As this Saturday passes by, I sit here at work seeing all of my life that is not normal. I am working over 40hrs a week, 12 of which are hours I am used to. I am part of a team that has given me things and shown support towards me, that I am not used to. I have a boss who wants to teach me skills to help me not only now succeed, but to help me in the future. I find myself stopping at the Bitterend coffee shop, not just for coffee, and a relaxing spot to read, but for something I am not sure of yet. I did not used to go there before, before this summer I had only been there once before.
And, there is the ultimate difference, a difference that is not one for me to fully make. But, it is one that I know I am willing to make, one that I have not made before. I spend a lot of my time thinking about this, hoping, praying, and wishing...only time will tell.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
sometimes
Sometimes I wonder about all the decisions I have made in my life, what I could have done better, what I could have done worse. On days like today my brain really rocks around my decisions I made through my life. Where I am, who I am, where I want to be...who I want to be.
I wonder a lot on days like today, I think there are times the weather directly affects my mood, and I think today is a day like that....though this is not always the case.
If you could see all the actions you would do, all the pain that you would suffer, would you still do it all? Would you still fall for those that you thought loved you? Would you sit alone, thinking about work or thinking about the great things you could do in your life? Would you choose to dance or sit and never do things like you could? Would you stop and talk to that person you heard was going through a hard time? Would you offer to help someone you didn't even know? Would you hide the tears when someone did something nice for you, when they didn't even know you?
I wonder a lot on days like today, I think there are times the weather directly affects my mood, and I think today is a day like that....though this is not always the case.
If you could see all the actions you would do, all the pain that you would suffer, would you still do it all? Would you still fall for those that you thought loved you? Would you sit alone, thinking about work or thinking about the great things you could do in your life? Would you choose to dance or sit and never do things like you could? Would you stop and talk to that person you heard was going through a hard time? Would you offer to help someone you didn't even know? Would you hide the tears when someone did something nice for you, when they didn't even know you?
Friday, May 3, 2013
sunrises...new begining
I think it has really helped me, this summer crashing a friends place. Said friend is in a wonderful relationship and it is great to see how happy the two of them are. It gives me hope, so much hope for the future. I started out this summer alright and was later crushed through a break up. Do not get me wrong, I am heartbroken over it...but it is what she wanted, and if it makes her happy, then she is happy. I think I can trust, no scratch that, I know I can trust the things she has said to me, the nice things she said. This is why I am not so upset. She did not break my heart out of pain or spite, and well, I hope she grew during our time together as I have, I have learned to trust a bit easier, though I wonder now if I told her too much or not enough...there wasn't much more about my life...
I honestly think that she is one I can stay friends with...in time I mean...but the last thing I want is for her to be upset or hurting. A friend once told me "[she]...doesn't have a mean bone in her body." and I still believe that. I hope I truly did nothing that hurt her, and I hope that if I did something wrong, she would tell me.
As the sun rises today I think about all of this, but I see the lovely couple that I am crashing with and the love they have, I know that things might be hard for me from time to time, but seeing a love like theirs, one that has gone through some...situations...(That is all I will say on the matter) says a lot to me about love and about happiness. I see their love for one another, and I hope one day to have something like that, I know it will be years down the road...I know I will not be ready to date till a long time down the road. And, I don't think it will be a long road because she told me that she needs time to see how she feels, but I think its best for me, to help me grow to look back upon the happy times, and the break up and see where I am. See how I grew. And, see what I want.
In addition, yes I was deeply heartbroken that day, and blaming myself for the breakup, and the fact that I broke down in front of one of them, without fear of punishment for crying says a lot about how much I have grown. I think I was truly happy with her, I feel I can trust her as a friend at the least.
I know she said she didn't want me to wait for her to figure out how she feels, but I don't feel right not waiting...whatever she decides. Besides, my life will be very busy and I don't know what time I will have for anything outside of work or school for a little while. Then its determining where I shall go, where I will work, where I will live and to start paying back my loans. That is a lot of things on my brain, and I know I still care about her, though the level of caring...that I am not too sure of...that is something I must think on, and allow myself to figure it out...hopefully the answer comes in time, preferable before she comes to a conclusion...conclusion, such a finalizing word....well I really have to say this has been the least painful break up, yes I cried, yes I felt hurt, but I don't think that can not happen for one party in a break up...and I think she was honest with me, completely. And, I know there are a few questions that have risen to my brain, but I shall never ask them.
No matter what, you have my trust, my respect, and the offering of friendship. You are an awesome person, who deserves happiness...and I wonder if on some level I knew that I might not be the person for you...I hope it is not to weird me saying, but I still care about you...I am just not sure on what level.
A friend of mine once said: "Do not yet despair. It's not the end of the world. This is change, and through it might be painful, now decides how it will work. Embrace it, focus on what you've learned about yourself, not on what you lost or what could have been. Take pride that you again found happiness and it means that you'll still find it in the future."
I honestly think that she is one I can stay friends with...in time I mean...but the last thing I want is for her to be upset or hurting. A friend once told me "[she]...doesn't have a mean bone in her body." and I still believe that. I hope I truly did nothing that hurt her, and I hope that if I did something wrong, she would tell me.
As the sun rises today I think about all of this, but I see the lovely couple that I am crashing with and the love they have, I know that things might be hard for me from time to time, but seeing a love like theirs, one that has gone through some...situations...(That is all I will say on the matter) says a lot to me about love and about happiness. I see their love for one another, and I hope one day to have something like that, I know it will be years down the road...I know I will not be ready to date till a long time down the road. And, I don't think it will be a long road because she told me that she needs time to see how she feels, but I think its best for me, to help me grow to look back upon the happy times, and the break up and see where I am. See how I grew. And, see what I want.
In addition, yes I was deeply heartbroken that day, and blaming myself for the breakup, and the fact that I broke down in front of one of them, without fear of punishment for crying says a lot about how much I have grown. I think I was truly happy with her, I feel I can trust her as a friend at the least.
I know she said she didn't want me to wait for her to figure out how she feels, but I don't feel right not waiting...whatever she decides. Besides, my life will be very busy and I don't know what time I will have for anything outside of work or school for a little while. Then its determining where I shall go, where I will work, where I will live and to start paying back my loans. That is a lot of things on my brain, and I know I still care about her, though the level of caring...that I am not too sure of...that is something I must think on, and allow myself to figure it out...hopefully the answer comes in time, preferable before she comes to a conclusion...conclusion, such a finalizing word....well I really have to say this has been the least painful break up, yes I cried, yes I felt hurt, but I don't think that can not happen for one party in a break up...and I think she was honest with me, completely. And, I know there are a few questions that have risen to my brain, but I shall never ask them.
No matter what, you have my trust, my respect, and the offering of friendship. You are an awesome person, who deserves happiness...and I wonder if on some level I knew that I might not be the person for you...I hope it is not to weird me saying, but I still care about you...I am just not sure on what level.
A friend of mine once said: "Do not yet despair. It's not the end of the world. This is change, and through it might be painful, now decides how it will work. Embrace it, focus on what you've learned about yourself, not on what you lost or what could have been. Take pride that you again found happiness and it means that you'll still find it in the future."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)