Purpose of life: to be a good friend...maybe a little more

For centuries people have chatted about the purpose of life...well I am not going to do that. I wanted to talk about how I deemed the purpose of my life, and a little into why. I once had a teacher back in high school, and he had this thing that you acted like a duck or an eagle An eagle was a person that in the briefest of terms did not complain, and was not lazy, and a duck was essentially the opposite. Well I don't always believe this, I feel everyone has things in life that make them worry, and make life hard enough that getting something off your chest can be helpful.

Personally, from the bad elements that I have experienced I have decided a lot of aspects in my life. Enough that I decide who to invite to functions based on who will be there. If person X does not like person Z, then comes the hard time picking who to invite. I also will work to be there for all my friends, we each go through some hardships and we all seek comfort in one form or another, or seek someone we trust to be there for us, to keep our secrets and over a comforting hug when one is in hard times.

I also feel distance and time cannot destroy a friendship, just give you more to talk about every time both members have the time to get together. And time they say, can heal all wounds...which is usually true, but what they do not say is a good friend is like a the cogs in the clock, and when you have a great friend giving their time to be there for you, the clog spins faster.

I also have been that friend, no matter what you need (if I got it) and no matter what time, drop a line and I am there. I know what it is like to go through some rough spells, and a good friend is like sandpaper making those rough spells a lot smoother. Whether with a hug, a soothing voice, a shoulder to cry on, or bearing comfort in any other form, a good friend can bring joy to any life, and help make anyone's day a lot better of a day.

This is what I want to be to all my friends out there, a good reliable friend that can be there in the worst of it, or the best of it. I have to say, I am hoping I may have found that special someone who I might be able to be more than friends with(don't be dirty, I like this young woman a lot).

Doing this for so many reasons. But, I would still give you the world.

I have started going back to the gym this morning, I got there at 6am, and I got back home at 7:30am. So it wasn't the longest work out in the world, but it was successful. I spent every minute working on my body. I rowed 5400 meters and biked 6 miles in 25 minutes, then I went down stairs and wait lifted for a little bit. I got a lot to work on, a lot to lose.

Am I making all these changes for this wonderful woman in my life, well I will answer that in a weird way... I have been meaning to get back to the gym, I have been meaning to get back into losing weight. And, this wonderful woman is what made me decide its finally time, and she brought no pressure on me to do it. I want her to know she is special, and she knows I like her, that fact I will not hide. Yes, we are taking things slow, and I am perfectly fine with that. And yes I will be going to church with her, which does not bother me at all. If it did, I wouldn't do it.

This woman is wonderful and special and I would do anything to make her happy. I see religion is important and her family are important. I see running is important to her family. I see all these things, and I know for a successful relationship (as one of my coworkers would say this "relationship" is technically a partnership, but again labels will come in time, when she and I are ready) they have to be part of my life too, and have to be important to me. So the question I asked myself early on, can these be important to me? And the answer was quick and easy, YES.

I don't know if she is reading this, but I hope she is happy with every text she gets from me, as happy as I am to see her name appear saying I got a text, which reminds me one thing I have to show her. I hope she realizes how much I want to protect her from harm, and how much I want her to see how special she is in my mind. She already knows I trust her, I have told her so much openly and I have had no qualms about it, granted I had a little freak out, but one text from her and I was fine...and its not that it felt wrong telling her so much, it's just nothing I have done before.

I have decided on a 3 day a week workout regiment that I plan on adhering to, I have needed to drop this weight for a long time and she is the added tiny tiny weight that tipped the scale into getting my big bum out and working on making my bum small.

I hope your reading this and I hope it brings happy tears to your eyes as actually writing this out brought to mine. I hope your morning is going well, on your busy Monday. Mine seems to be going great. :)

Changing the past

The other day at work I heard a young man say "...if I could go back, I would have done that." I sometimes identify with this phrase. Sometimes, I do not, but say I would change everything about my past.

I know my past wasn't the most perfect past, but there are life lessons I would never have learned if it wasn't for a past like that. I have learned that I am the kind of guy who would protect those I care about, with every fiber of my being, from going through what I have been through. But, at the same time there are events in my past that I would love to never have in my past. Since we cannot do this, I learn to live my life from the experiences I have had, to learn from these elements of my past and to not let them control me. Though I hope there are more cases of great people that are great without having to live through hardships.

But, then again, changing the past may not be for the best. If you remove an element, could that lead to you never doing something else you did? I would argue yes, and an example from my past that I would say fits this, is my current relationship status. See, I was so terrified to ask a girl out that it took me a very long time till I had been in a relationship, and well I didn't met her through a usual way. But, there is a girl I am seeing know, that I am...well, as I would put it: in that happy stage where you are getting to know each other, but you don't want to put labels on it yet, for fear of ruining something. I would have never asked out this wonderful woman (the second woman, the other...well we will leave it as it did not end well). I am purposefully leaving her name out, but I don't think I met someone so understanding and wonderful as she is. When I had asked her out...my voice decided to act wrong...it may have cracked, but I know it went out briefly  and she still said yes. And, even though she wasn't feeling the greatest, she did not cancel or reschedule. I was amazed and excited by that fact alone. Though each time we hang out, at the end of the night, I run through the evening everything I have said and done, and her reactions. Sometimes I feel I have so terribly messed up that she won't respond to my text the next day, and she responds so I know that I was probably over analyzing it all. Each time I feel I might be making mistakes less. I care about this amazing young woman, I like her and she is wonderful. I never regret asking this amazing young woman out, heck when my friends have seen me hop around a computer lab, you know I am in a great mood. And, I hope that I leave her happy too, I try to treat her as special as I feel she is, and I really hope I am succeeding and I really hope, I don't mess this up.

I don't drink like I used to

Sometimes of late when I drink, my brain turns to the thoughts of my friends that have passed away. Deaths I thought I had dealt with on some level...apparently I have not dealt with it enough (typically I cry for a while). All of them were great people, some had their flaws, but we all do. Some of my friends would say I lack confidence, but I think it goes a bit deeper. I was thinking today, in the past 3 years: I had one friend commit suicide, 1 murdered, one of natural causes, and a dog that passed away, and one friend's dad.

One of these great people was an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic. I never knew this about him till it was too late...I wish I would have chatted with him more. All these deaths in the last 3 years show me one thing in life, do not let good choices pass you by. Take your life by your hands, and stir those horses in the direction you want to go. 

Code of Life

Throughout my life I have seen many situations occur...and this is a list of the things I know I will never do...this list is hard for me to put down in thoughts, but maybe it is time remove one more barrier...hopefully the flood gates don't break.I have not really wanted to post this, since parts of it hint at elements of my past so painful for me, only a few know it. But, maybe it is time this is shared with the world.

1. I will NEVER hit a woman or a child.
2. I will NEVER keep secrets in a relationship.
3. I will NEVER lock someone outside.
4. I will NEVER subject someone to teo.
5. I will ALWAYS protect those I care about.
6. I will ALWAYS put others before myself.
7. I will NEVER lie.
8. I will NEVER cheat.
9. I will NEVER steal.
10. I will do my best to make people feel comfortable around me.
11. I will do my best to be helpful to the world around me.
12. I will ALWAYS be understanding. 
13. I will ALWAYS stand up and protect those being hurt.
14. If I have kids, they will NEVER experience a childhood like mine. 
15. If I ever get married, I will NEVER do anything to lose my spouses trust.
16. I will ALWAYS keep my word, without that I am nothing.
17. I will try to hold doors open, not only for woman, but men and children.
18. I will try to keep my schedule open and flexible to meet the needs of the many.
19. I will do what it takes to save a life, for nothing more than to help another. 
20. If I see you struggling, I will do my best to offer a hand.
21. If I see you fall, I will try to save you
1. If I can not catch you, I will help you pick yourself up and reassemble the pieces.
22. I will work on seeing myself as worthy of the kind words friends have for me.
23. I will work on always capitalization the letter I, I no longer see my life how I did.
24. I will always try to treat a woman right.
1. whether that means:
• A random hug from time to time
• A random surprise of a flower
• A random card, not only when your feeling down, or happy
• and many other random surprises from time to time, just to show her she is special to me. 
25. I will ALWAYS offer a hug/shoulder to lean on for those that are worthy.
26. I will lose the thought of the "trusted few", and learn to trust more. 
27. I will be as open to others about my life as they are with me...and hopefully they are not scared or worried. 
28. I will never hurt myself. 
29. I will forget the harsh words teo said, 
30. I will forget the harsh things teo did.
31. I will stop hiding parts of myself behind walls.

 This is not intended to make anyone sad, nor to make you worry. I am turning over a new leaf so to speak. Since most do not know teo was a name my sister and I created for our father, it was a code name no one knew the meaning of it, but us and the few we decided to tell. Teo, means the evil one. As a child and a young adult, I let elements of my past rule my life, and decide my future, but that shall not be the way again. My life is my own, yes there are things I feel I owe back. Support to my mother, support to my aunt, and several others who have seen me through hardships and the darkest days of old. But, I saw the sun rising 5 years ago, and my life started to distance itself from teo. May you all have an awesome life, And if you ever need consoling or a friend do not hesitate to comment, or contact this email account. I have to say partially right now the driving force behind these posts is to show a special lady the things I will always be and the things I will never be.

This list is a modified version of one locked away, one that the few that saw it got angry with me about...hopefully this does not draw the same reaction. 

Guys, listen up.

Yesterday I had a professor mention how she rides the bus to and from work and how she sees college kids often who won't get up for pregnant woman, or elderly and a lot of my fellow students were in agreement in seeing this. In addition I have gotten some odd looks holding the door opened for people, granted this could partially due to the fact I am using the windows to tell if someone is following me and then I hold the the door open. But, the looks and the reactions I get pretty much sound like these young woman have never had a guy hold a door open for them...


So where did the values I was raised with disappear to? Men, why are you not getting up for the pregnant or the elderly or the small children for that matter? Men, why are you not showing some respect and holding the door open for woman, or your fellow man? I decided to sleep on this last night as well as a few other thoughts lingering around my brain. And, an answer I still do not have. But, that does not matter. Its time guys to "man up" if your on the bus and you see someone less fortunate than you offer a hand. If your going into a building and your not in any hurry hold that door open for those behind you. If you are giving a woman a ride somewhere, hold your car door open for her.

When I was a kid I was raised to help those less off than myself, and I am not saying I had an awesome childhood, but it does not matter your past in this instance, help out. Maybe it is a different in how I was raised, as a child, when my mother was off from work and sat at the dinner table with us, we almost always would go around the table saying something we learned and someway we helped someone out, yeah, its kinda of corny, but it doesn't need to be. And, there should need to be no reward to helping out or just being a kind hearted person.

Just stand up a bit, and hold a door open and brighten up someone else's day.

Wonders of the Heart, keeping fingers crossed.

No matter how tired I feel right now, my face is smiling. I asked a amazing young woman out and she said yes, we stayed in, instead of going out and it was amazing. She is wonderful. Tomorrow I have a little surprise planned for her, something highly random and unexpected, but nothing big and nothing flashy. I am a bit random at times, and I will only be me around her, no hiding anything.

I want her to know she is special, and beautiful. I know its only early, but I enjoyed every text, every fb message, every second talking. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. So, I have a little surprise planned for her tomorrow, nothing big, hopefully cute and random and I hope she likes it.

I am normally don't ask women out, its a scary thing on both fronts. Having a guy whose voice might crack or might loose his voice for a second asking you out, has to be hard on a girl, and surprising at times. But, with every relationships there are lessons to be learned, granted I don't want to put a label on this just yet, for fear of potentially ruining what is now. But, besides that, these lessons tell you about who you are when you are seeing someone and tell you what mistakes you made, and I in most failed relationships there are lessons both parties could learn. Personally, for me it is in how I show I care, and not falling too fast, at least that is what I think they are. My ex would probably yell at me again about lots of things, but part of that would probably just be meant to lash out, and I really don't care.

There are a few things I think are key to a successful relationship, and when I say successful relationship, I am referring to the only one I feel matters, the long term relationship. Short term relationships, are never what I aim for in dating, I aim for finding the one I could find myself spending my life with. I hope this doesn't freak you out, knowing you can see this, but I am being honest here, one of the keys in my definition of relationships. Some of the other keys are (but not limited too) trust, honesty(yup mentioned above), communication, sharing of information (when it effects or could effect both your lives), willing to compromise, willing to admit to your faults, willing to be there for each other through thick and thin and many more.

I know this got off on a tangent, but I am thinking of a special young woman, one who I asked out and spent one date with, and I hope to see her more often. I also hope not to do anything that could damage her other relationships with friends or family, for I would never want to do that. All I really want, is to see her happy no matter what that means towards me. But either way, I hope the little surprise I am planning for her, will be one she will enjoy and be rather surprised about.

Here is to hoping...And if she has to cancel, I will be understanding we are in college and priorities should not be on relationships in college, but on studies. But, still I won't deny I have my fingers crossed.



**update**

There was a fear lingering in her mind which she discussed and I hope that this fear leads to making a decision. Last night this fell upon my mind when she left...and sat like a rock in my gut, but sadly this rock wasn't rounded and my mind went negative with it. I hope you see me as I am, I hope I have shown my willingness to understand, and my willingness to change. I know you don't want to rush in, and I don't want to rush you at all, and no matter what happens I would like to at least call you a friend...already you know more about me than a lot of others, I try not to show it, but I feel weak and isolated in front of you, I spent too many years hiding things from the world. You are an awesome young woman, and I know you haven't seen it, but these eyes drop alligator tears, they are just not so used to being seen when it happens. I hope you have a great day.

support offered

There a lot of things in life happiness can be defined by. Right now a cup of coffee and a lingering thought about last night have me in a state of happiness. It is always interesting to me how small the world is, how people are linked by multiple people or just separated by a few.

But, a day ago I wrote this and saved it...why don't I share it.
A day or so ago, I saw a post by a cousin of mine, one of my cousins that it took us awhile to even realize we were related, I still remember that conversation and look back upon it with a smile. However, this post I am referring to in question leaves tears lingering in my eyes. Yup, I am talking about myself on the verge of tears over something I read about a wonderful, intelligent young woman who I share some family ties with. I won't say too much on this, for fear of upsetting anyone. But, in my opinion, love means a lot of things, but one of those things is never feeling hurt. In a relationship there should be support and caring. One should never be put down and mistreated. Whether you know me or not, this principle is key to me, from my past and I offer a helping hand to any who seek it, even here I will over words of support.

I have known too many friends who have dealt with hard times for long days before seeking help (sadly I am not just typing friends for myself).

   I have known too many awesome woman and men :

• that have been in abusive relationships, 
• too many that have gone through pregnancy scares
• too many that have been hurt by 
• parents
• their partners
• their friends
• and random people
• too many that see themselves as worthless
• too many that started hurting themselves because they started to believe in it. 

I write this all with tears escaping my eyes because no one should be treated this way. Everyone deserves to be loved, and when I say love, it should mean that someone cares for you and you them in ways that the last thing on earth they want to do is see you hurt. And, I don't know what your thoughts are on Pro-life or Pro-choice, I personally feel a man should not be able to make a decision about a woman's ability to abort. I personally feel, it should be a personal choice, and that sex should be saved for a relationship that will last. But, when it does happen there are a lot of things to think about, are you in a part in your life you can afford everything a child needs? I myself am a birth control pill survivor, yup my mom was on the pill, I am proof it is not 100% effective. Back on topic, love should mean that you have people in your life that are there for you and you them, whether or not you have family ties to them.

I love all my friends, and will do what I can for them day or night.  This is why my phone never is off. I have had too many friends that I found out where hurting themselves because they started to believe what some of the negative people in their life did to them. You are all worth it, I wouldn't respond to your odd hour messages, I wouldn't send you messages out of the blue saying your awesome or see how your doing every now and then.
 
Granted, I haven't hurt myself, but on some level I have began to believe what I have been told. Which is why when people tell me I am a great guy or a nice guy, I give them odd looks or decline. It has taken me a long time, but sometimes I don't decline it. Though, I am only as good of a guy to the people around me, as they will let me be. I have spent a night sleeping on one friend's floor because she was sick. I have spent one night holding back a friends hair as she was sick, and then sleeping on the floor near the bed near her because she was afraid to be alone. I have spent sleepless nights comforting friends. Days worrying about some awesome girls from my childhood, worrying if I would see them the next day, happily they are alive today and doing great.

So to finish this off, life can suck, life can be hard. Sadly, there are things that make life hard for a lot of people. And, having a good network of people that care is always a good thing. I offer an ear for support, and an E-hug for anyone in hard times. No one should go through them alone, and there is nothing worse then when your going through hard times, but to feel your alone and going through them. You can make it through these hard times, I swear it you can. I know you can, because you have made it this far, even if each day is a struggle some day you will be in power of your own life, and with that power you will see what you have survived and see how great of a person you are, because not everyone survives it. 

Everyone is beautiful, everyone is wonderful, everyone deserves to be in love and happy.

Winter Weather, better day

So, I am quickly approaching my 24th year (or 24th year and 9 months if your wanting to think of it as time as these cells have been alive) and I seem to be unfocused. I feel like something is missing from my life, something I am yet to figure out. I do have to say though, is I have some amazing friends out there.  Tomorrow I shall be celebrating my birthday early with a small group of them. I picked to invite those that have been there for me through the hard times, and through the easy times, and those that have let me into parts of their lives and let me be there for them, in times of good and bad.

Each year around this time I reflect on what has been. And, each year I wish one special man could be here to celebrate my birthday with me. Sadly this great person was taken from my life back in 1997 of pancreatic cancer a little over a month after my birthday. As I type this I try to keep a part of him with me, and I try to live my life as he would have wanted me to. No one else's opinion's of me matter as much as his did.
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So, I think back on what I have done, and said to people. Whether I was happy, sad, or mad. There are several insistence where I wish I could apologies, but I feel it could drudge up old feelings, and make things worse. At the same time I look back on decisions I have made, and at times I am happy, in a few situations, that I took the high road, and at times I wish I would have. Life isn't always a box of chocolates, life isn't always sweet tasting, but it is full of different flavors, some you may not care for and some you enjoy, but all will come to pass, and all will teach you a bit about yourself.

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Still, I feel slightly incomplete. I know this year is usually a rough time for me, but there are a few reasons for that I don't think I will go into. some are quite obvious to those that have read some of these. And there are a few that have not been clearly stated. One, that I will mention is, well I think I am emotionally ready to try and start dating again. I know I will be slightly hesitant to trust like I did before, which I am justified in this thought. When a bridge is destroyed you don't build one with the same flaw in it, you make it stronger and you work to maintain it. One aspect of finding a relationship that is always hard to me, is the initial meeting.

• First off, how do you meet them? Do you meet them at the bar (which may imply certain actions that could be happening later or could not?)? Do you start up conversations with random people you see at stores, or while you are out walking (which could easily throw the creeper vibe if done wrong)? 
• Secondly, obviously you need to find some common ground. Something you both enjoy, but it has to be something truly you both enjoy. And discuss it. 
• Here is the real kicker, I get nervous anymore when I am talking with woman, when its not in a professional setting. I am a nerd who works in IT, and as I work I seem to be completely capable of helping anyone, but once you remove that layer I sometimes become a bumbling idiot. And, I will NEVER flirt/hit on a woman while I am working. 
• I will never date coworkers, and I will never flirt with someone in a professional setting. 
• If I then latter meet them in  a nonprofessional setting then maybe. 
• Thirdly, this is the hardest part for me, is getting to the spot where I am comfortable to ask for a number. 
• Which I actually get slightly amused by when this happens and the gal says something like "oh, your a nice guy, but...." which might be truly meant, but my brain takes it as: "yeah, no." 
• And, I think ladies have gotten smart about realizing if a guy is trying to\is hitting on them and they don't want it, which is when you hear ladies make lots of references to their boyfriends. This I have to say good job ladies at trying to pick out what a guy is thinking, maybe you could help us guys figure you out. Secondly, I don't only chat with woman because I think she is cute or because I am in situation Z, and we randomly strike up a conversation. This random conversation, does not mean I am hitting on you, or I am going to ask for your number, sometimes it is nice just to meet and chat with some new woman, being I am in a male dominated field. 

For not posting in a long time, I figure a slightly long blog, showing my brain and its random bouncing of topics might be a good idea. Have a great Saturday Everyone.