This will be my favorite semester And my final semester. I can see many paths laid before me, all are foggy, but what is sure is sure about them is that I will succeed and I will find happiness.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Ever changing life
So on this day I start focusing on my future. My internship was extended, and I'm working 30 hours as I finish up my degree, I'm excited to hit the job market this December and to be searching for a full time job. I've moved into a bachelor pad, it's really nice living with these guys. I also get to see the night sky every night and enjoy listening to the wind through the trees.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Change
As this Saturday passes by, I sit here at work seeing all of my life that is not normal. I am working over 40hrs a week, 12 of which are hours I am used to. I am part of a team that has given me things and shown support towards me, that I am not used to. I have a boss who wants to teach me skills to help me not only now succeed, but to help me in the future. I find myself stopping at the Bitterend coffee shop, not just for coffee, and a relaxing spot to read, but for something I am not sure of yet. I did not used to go there before, before this summer I had only been there once before.
And, there is the ultimate difference, a difference that is not one for me to fully make. But, it is one that I know I am willing to make, one that I have not made before. I spend a lot of my time thinking about this, hoping, praying, and wishing...only time will tell.
And, there is the ultimate difference, a difference that is not one for me to fully make. But, it is one that I know I am willing to make, one that I have not made before. I spend a lot of my time thinking about this, hoping, praying, and wishing...only time will tell.
Friday, May 10, 2013
sometimes
Sometimes I wonder about all the decisions I have made in my life, what I could have done better, what I could have done worse. On days like today my brain really rocks around my decisions I made through my life. Where I am, who I am, where I want to be...who I want to be.
I wonder a lot on days like today, I think there are times the weather directly affects my mood, and I think today is a day like that....though this is not always the case.
If you could see all the actions you would do, all the pain that you would suffer, would you still do it all? Would you still fall for those that you thought loved you? Would you sit alone, thinking about work or thinking about the great things you could do in your life? Would you choose to dance or sit and never do things like you could? Would you stop and talk to that person you heard was going through a hard time? Would you offer to help someone you didn't even know? Would you hide the tears when someone did something nice for you, when they didn't even know you?
I wonder a lot on days like today, I think there are times the weather directly affects my mood, and I think today is a day like that....though this is not always the case.
If you could see all the actions you would do, all the pain that you would suffer, would you still do it all? Would you still fall for those that you thought loved you? Would you sit alone, thinking about work or thinking about the great things you could do in your life? Would you choose to dance or sit and never do things like you could? Would you stop and talk to that person you heard was going through a hard time? Would you offer to help someone you didn't even know? Would you hide the tears when someone did something nice for you, when they didn't even know you?
Friday, May 3, 2013
sunrises...new begining
I think it has really helped me, this summer crashing a friends place. Said friend is in a wonderful relationship and it is great to see how happy the two of them are. It gives me hope, so much hope for the future. I started out this summer alright and was later crushed through a break up. Do not get me wrong, I am heartbroken over it...but it is what she wanted, and if it makes her happy, then she is happy. I think I can trust, no scratch that, I know I can trust the things she has said to me, the nice things she said. This is why I am not so upset. She did not break my heart out of pain or spite, and well, I hope she grew during our time together as I have, I have learned to trust a bit easier, though I wonder now if I told her too much or not enough...there wasn't much more about my life...
I honestly think that she is one I can stay friends with...in time I mean...but the last thing I want is for her to be upset or hurting. A friend once told me "[she]...doesn't have a mean bone in her body." and I still believe that. I hope I truly did nothing that hurt her, and I hope that if I did something wrong, she would tell me.
As the sun rises today I think about all of this, but I see the lovely couple that I am crashing with and the love they have, I know that things might be hard for me from time to time, but seeing a love like theirs, one that has gone through some...situations...(That is all I will say on the matter) says a lot to me about love and about happiness. I see their love for one another, and I hope one day to have something like that, I know it will be years down the road...I know I will not be ready to date till a long time down the road. And, I don't think it will be a long road because she told me that she needs time to see how she feels, but I think its best for me, to help me grow to look back upon the happy times, and the break up and see where I am. See how I grew. And, see what I want.
In addition, yes I was deeply heartbroken that day, and blaming myself for the breakup, and the fact that I broke down in front of one of them, without fear of punishment for crying says a lot about how much I have grown. I think I was truly happy with her, I feel I can trust her as a friend at the least.
I know she said she didn't want me to wait for her to figure out how she feels, but I don't feel right not waiting...whatever she decides. Besides, my life will be very busy and I don't know what time I will have for anything outside of work or school for a little while. Then its determining where I shall go, where I will work, where I will live and to start paying back my loans. That is a lot of things on my brain, and I know I still care about her, though the level of caring...that I am not too sure of...that is something I must think on, and allow myself to figure it out...hopefully the answer comes in time, preferable before she comes to a conclusion...conclusion, such a finalizing word....well I really have to say this has been the least painful break up, yes I cried, yes I felt hurt, but I don't think that can not happen for one party in a break up...and I think she was honest with me, completely. And, I know there are a few questions that have risen to my brain, but I shall never ask them.
No matter what, you have my trust, my respect, and the offering of friendship. You are an awesome person, who deserves happiness...and I wonder if on some level I knew that I might not be the person for you...I hope it is not to weird me saying, but I still care about you...I am just not sure on what level.
A friend of mine once said: "Do not yet despair. It's not the end of the world. This is change, and through it might be painful, now decides how it will work. Embrace it, focus on what you've learned about yourself, not on what you lost or what could have been. Take pride that you again found happiness and it means that you'll still find it in the future."
I honestly think that she is one I can stay friends with...in time I mean...but the last thing I want is for her to be upset or hurting. A friend once told me "[she]...doesn't have a mean bone in her body." and I still believe that. I hope I truly did nothing that hurt her, and I hope that if I did something wrong, she would tell me.
As the sun rises today I think about all of this, but I see the lovely couple that I am crashing with and the love they have, I know that things might be hard for me from time to time, but seeing a love like theirs, one that has gone through some...situations...(That is all I will say on the matter) says a lot to me about love and about happiness. I see their love for one another, and I hope one day to have something like that, I know it will be years down the road...I know I will not be ready to date till a long time down the road. And, I don't think it will be a long road because she told me that she needs time to see how she feels, but I think its best for me, to help me grow to look back upon the happy times, and the break up and see where I am. See how I grew. And, see what I want.
In addition, yes I was deeply heartbroken that day, and blaming myself for the breakup, and the fact that I broke down in front of one of them, without fear of punishment for crying says a lot about how much I have grown. I think I was truly happy with her, I feel I can trust her as a friend at the least.
I know she said she didn't want me to wait for her to figure out how she feels, but I don't feel right not waiting...whatever she decides. Besides, my life will be very busy and I don't know what time I will have for anything outside of work or school for a little while. Then its determining where I shall go, where I will work, where I will live and to start paying back my loans. That is a lot of things on my brain, and I know I still care about her, though the level of caring...that I am not too sure of...that is something I must think on, and allow myself to figure it out...hopefully the answer comes in time, preferable before she comes to a conclusion...conclusion, such a finalizing word....well I really have to say this has been the least painful break up, yes I cried, yes I felt hurt, but I don't think that can not happen for one party in a break up...and I think she was honest with me, completely. And, I know there are a few questions that have risen to my brain, but I shall never ask them.
No matter what, you have my trust, my respect, and the offering of friendship. You are an awesome person, who deserves happiness...and I wonder if on some level I knew that I might not be the person for you...I hope it is not to weird me saying, but I still care about you...I am just not sure on what level.
A friend of mine once said: "Do not yet despair. It's not the end of the world. This is change, and through it might be painful, now decides how it will work. Embrace it, focus on what you've learned about yourself, not on what you lost or what could have been. Take pride that you again found happiness and it means that you'll still find it in the future."
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Confidence
For years I have people tell me a lot of things about myself somethings positive and somethings negitive, and somethings true and somethings false. The other day I was enjoying lunch with the Admin of my college's linux network (who I will refer to as Mr. Nice later on). Now, I normally am a very private person about my past and through some snipets of my past he has over heard me stating and through things I have told him he knows I have been through some hard dark times, but not what specifically, just that it has made me very finiancially aware, and lacking confidence.
Yesterday Mr. Nice bought us lunch and we talked, sadly I had meat so today I will be going meatless to try and "make up" for having chinese food yesterday. While we were talking Mr. Nice told me a bit about his past and I a bit about what is going on in my life, after I told him of the happy things coming and how I know I have a name to make with company X that I am interning at, and I do not want to disappiont them. Mr. Nice told me that it is ovbious to him that I am a solid developer, and the things that will hold me back in life are my confidence and my trust issues. And I won't even try to deny it, I have issues when it comes to trusting people and I have issues with confidence.
Just about everytime I walk into a mall or I get out of a vehicle I look around and do about a 360 analzying all that is going on around me. Once I enter malls I tend to avoid crowds, and keep my head on a swivil watching all round me, and if I am with people I tend to walk a bit slower, just slow enough to walk behind and see those around. I used to assume this was because of the town I used to live in, a town where they limited the size of groups in the mall and bad things happend around and outside the malls. And I told some of this to Mr. Nice, which he told me he was the same way for years, but not any more. He then told me it is more of an issue of confidence, and his wife gets after him sometimes for how he plans, no that is a poor word to use, he prepares no that is still bad, he is concious that you cannot trust everyone and is aware of it, so Mr. Nice's wife Mrs. Nice told him that on some level he prepares to deal with people he cannot trust and that her husband feels that everyone will betray that trust on some level. That is a scary thing to hear, I think especially from a wife, but at the same time, I know what Mr. Nice is saying, on some level I feel that same way, but we both agree, Mr. Nice trusts his wife and his family completely, just as I trust the wonderful woman in my life.
I am working on my trust issues and boy has it been a long hard ride to get to where I am, and honestly without my major I would still have a lot more trust issues than I do have to this day. However, for me confidence will always be a long hard fight to obtain, I know that teo's words mean nothing to me, but that little voice you can never fully stomp out wishpers maybe he was right...I hope he never is.
I know it is time for me to stop listening to that voice, and I think it is time for me to think long and hard on a lot of things, and to remember all the good impacts I have made on the lives of those I care about. The lives I have saved, the tough decisions I ahve been there for my friends through, illnesses I have helped people through, the tears I have offered hugs through, the long nights chatting, the little things I would do randomly for those I care about, and the dishes of comfort food I have made for those great people in my life. Anytime I start feeling down about myself, those are the thoughts I need to think back on, those and the words this wonderful woman in life has said to me.
On another note: highly random, I know, but that is the way of my brain. I would like to state I might start trying to do a post once a week, especially with this summer, I am not sure when I might have time to write on here for the world, since I should be working over 40hrs a week and taking a couse this summer to. As this summer ends I will be once step closer to the finish line of my bacholor's degree and one step closer to taking the plung into the field, working and paying back the loans I have. I hope everyone that reads this has a great day today, and I hope you have a great Happy Easter tomorrow and great Happy Easters for years to come.
Yesterday Mr. Nice bought us lunch and we talked, sadly I had meat so today I will be going meatless to try and "make up" for having chinese food yesterday. While we were talking Mr. Nice told me a bit about his past and I a bit about what is going on in my life, after I told him of the happy things coming and how I know I have a name to make with company X that I am interning at, and I do not want to disappiont them. Mr. Nice told me that it is ovbious to him that I am a solid developer, and the things that will hold me back in life are my confidence and my trust issues. And I won't even try to deny it, I have issues when it comes to trusting people and I have issues with confidence.
Just about everytime I walk into a mall or I get out of a vehicle I look around and do about a 360 analzying all that is going on around me. Once I enter malls I tend to avoid crowds, and keep my head on a swivil watching all round me, and if I am with people I tend to walk a bit slower, just slow enough to walk behind and see those around. I used to assume this was because of the town I used to live in, a town where they limited the size of groups in the mall and bad things happend around and outside the malls. And I told some of this to Mr. Nice, which he told me he was the same way for years, but not any more. He then told me it is more of an issue of confidence, and his wife gets after him sometimes for how he plans, no that is a poor word to use, he prepares no that is still bad, he is concious that you cannot trust everyone and is aware of it, so Mr. Nice's wife Mrs. Nice told him that on some level he prepares to deal with people he cannot trust and that her husband feels that everyone will betray that trust on some level. That is a scary thing to hear, I think especially from a wife, but at the same time, I know what Mr. Nice is saying, on some level I feel that same way, but we both agree, Mr. Nice trusts his wife and his family completely, just as I trust the wonderful woman in my life.
I am working on my trust issues and boy has it been a long hard ride to get to where I am, and honestly without my major I would still have a lot more trust issues than I do have to this day. However, for me confidence will always be a long hard fight to obtain, I know that teo's words mean nothing to me, but that little voice you can never fully stomp out wishpers maybe he was right...I hope he never is.
I know it is time for me to stop listening to that voice, and I think it is time for me to think long and hard on a lot of things, and to remember all the good impacts I have made on the lives of those I care about. The lives I have saved, the tough decisions I ahve been there for my friends through, illnesses I have helped people through, the tears I have offered hugs through, the long nights chatting, the little things I would do randomly for those I care about, and the dishes of comfort food I have made for those great people in my life. Anytime I start feeling down about myself, those are the thoughts I need to think back on, those and the words this wonderful woman in life has said to me.
On another note: highly random, I know, but that is the way of my brain. I would like to state I might start trying to do a post once a week, especially with this summer, I am not sure when I might have time to write on here for the world, since I should be working over 40hrs a week and taking a couse this summer to. As this summer ends I will be once step closer to the finish line of my bacholor's degree and one step closer to taking the plung into the field, working and paying back the loans I have. I hope everyone that reads this has a great day today, and I hope you have a great Happy Easter tomorrow and great Happy Easters for years to come.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
random thoughs on Gender Neutral
While assisting a friend with an assignment on gender neutrality I started to rant on it. When I was young my mother made sure my sister and I had similar toys and tried to make sure we were treated the same by our extended family in the hope that we would see each other as equals and not just us, but our whole gender as equals.
6. What toys do you consider “gender neutral” and why?
I think every toy is gender neutral. I think it is society that is not gender neutral. I can not think of a toy that is labelled for Girls only no Boys and none that said Boys only no Girls. I think everything should be gender neutral, and I think the thought that this is part of what is wrong with society. In other cultures they realize there are more than two genders, in our western culture we do not recognize it as readily.
I don't see any reason why society feels we must raise our kids to play with different toys especially in the world of today, aren't we all equal?
To me it doesn't matter what gender you are, what your skin may look like or by how you choose to dress. What matters to me is the kind of person you choose to be.
It should never matte what your child chooses to play with or what they like, you should love them no matter what.
You in my life
I have never mentioned the name of this wonderful woman in my life, and there is a reason for that. I am so happy to have you in my life. You are perfect, you are wonderful and I never want to see you hurt. I never want to see tears fall down from those beautiful eyes for pain.
I have never felt so safer telling anyone what I have survived. Before I met you, I had left a dark chapter in my life and was starting a new, in a good place and now I feel I am in a great place. I like the pace we are going, I feel it is best to allow this bond to grow and I really hope it flourishes into a wonderful garden filled with days filled with joy and happiness.
I really want to see you happy, and I hope you are happy with me as happy as I am with you.
Throughout my life I have had trust issues, but I have none with you...anytime in my life I tell someone after my past my heart starts to race, but not with you. I told you a lot from the beginning, yes I had a couple of moments where I got stressed after, but that does not change how I feel and I feel safe and cared for with you.
I feel awful for yesterday, for not double checking dates and I hope I did not make you feel pressured. You are very dear to my heart and I want you to know you will always be special to me.
I have never felt so safer telling anyone what I have survived. Before I met you, I had left a dark chapter in my life and was starting a new, in a good place and now I feel I am in a great place. I like the pace we are going, I feel it is best to allow this bond to grow and I really hope it flourishes into a wonderful garden filled with days filled with joy and happiness.
I really want to see you happy, and I hope you are happy with me as happy as I am with you.
Throughout my life I have had trust issues, but I have none with you...anytime in my life I tell someone after my past my heart starts to race, but not with you. I told you a lot from the beginning, yes I had a couple of moments where I got stressed after, but that does not change how I feel and I feel safe and cared for with you.
I feel awful for yesterday, for not double checking dates and I hope I did not make you feel pressured. You are very dear to my heart and I want you to know you will always be special to me.
survival
There is a lot to life that is involved surviving hard times. As a child, I saw everything I never wanted to be, but nothing of what I wanted to be...
As a child I was told often, by what should have been a loving parent:
As a child I was told often, by what should have been a loving parent:
- that I was worthless
- I was useless
- I would amount to nothing
- I am ugly
- I am fat
- I would hurt everything I touched
When I was young and it could isolate me, it would say these things then it would make a point of forcing me to tell it I loved it.... I have never and will never love him. For me this is a hard thing to say to anyone because of the number of times I had said it and i meant nothing, with how little we kids said it to our extended family it was probably readily apparent of something. As a kid though I put myself in the position where this happened a lot, for the record I hated it so much, but if I was in this position then my siblings were not. I never meant it when i said i loved him, and it hurts me to think about it.
Even, the school district I went to thought of myself and all the other kids I went to elementary school with as worthless. The school drew the lines for the elementary schools so that one was filled with the lower income families, and it was very apparent just by walking into one of the other schools what the higher ups thought of those that went to Buffey Elementary school.
When I make a mistake, I wonder...were they right?
After some thought, I got up and went out of this quite lonely room I am sitting in, and I ended up helping a family find their way. A family in support of one of their children and an even their child has today. Previous to this I have been doing a lot of thought on what I was told by teo (short for the evil one) and made to say to him. And, I know I want to be nothing like him which is why I think so much before I act. After helping this family, it put a bright note on today... I will always be worthless to some, but as long as those I care for see worth in me I am happy, I will never be useless, I will amount to something, I cannot really do much about how "ugly" I am (physically) but I will work to no be an ugly person (mentally, emotionally), I will work on my weight, and I will do my best to cherish everything I touch. To care for the things around me and try to bring happiness to those near me. I know I will never say "I love you" often because I feel rather exposed, it is a phrase that means so much in such a simple 3 words, 8 letters, and 10 characters (space is considered a character and I am not assuming their is punctuation).
I care for how so many people around me, that I wish no harm to any of them. I wish happiness and a life without pain to them all, and I deeply hope I will never cause these people pain. In time I will tell those I care about how much I love them.
I shall leave you in the words of Dr. Joyce Brothers
(quote from: http://thinkexist.com/quotes/dr._joyce_brothers/)
"Love come when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."
Even, the school district I went to thought of myself and all the other kids I went to elementary school with as worthless. The school drew the lines for the elementary schools so that one was filled with the lower income families, and it was very apparent just by walking into one of the other schools what the higher ups thought of those that went to Buffey Elementary school.
When I make a mistake, I wonder...were they right?
After some thought, I got up and went out of this quite lonely room I am sitting in, and I ended up helping a family find their way. A family in support of one of their children and an even their child has today. Previous to this I have been doing a lot of thought on what I was told by teo (short for the evil one) and made to say to him. And, I know I want to be nothing like him which is why I think so much before I act. After helping this family, it put a bright note on today... I will always be worthless to some, but as long as those I care for see worth in me I am happy, I will never be useless, I will amount to something, I cannot really do much about how "ugly" I am (physically) but I will work to no be an ugly person (mentally, emotionally), I will work on my weight, and I will do my best to cherish everything I touch. To care for the things around me and try to bring happiness to those near me. I know I will never say "I love you" often because I feel rather exposed, it is a phrase that means so much in such a simple 3 words, 8 letters, and 10 characters (space is considered a character and I am not assuming their is punctuation).
I care for how so many people around me, that I wish no harm to any of them. I wish happiness and a life without pain to them all, and I deeply hope I will never cause these people pain. In time I will tell those I care about how much I love them.
I shall leave you in the words of Dr. Joyce Brothers
(quote from: http://thinkexist.com/quotes/dr._joyce_brothers/)
"Love come when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Years of thought, and I am finally making the decision.
When I was a child I was raised without faith. I was raised to be tolerant and respectful of any and all faiths and I purposely took a theme of religion when I entered college to hopefully gain an open view on as many faiths as I could. Throughout this I had gone through lots of hardships in my personal life and a friend and his family were there for me. I also attended a service with them and joined in some volunteer work with their church.
Before I met this wonderful woman I have been seeing, I have thought about joining the Catholic Church, because I have felt something was missing from my life, and I purposely approached my old roommate to try and learn about the Catholic faith and I greatly respect the fact that he let me borrow a Bible of his and he gained greater respect from me for not trying to push me in any direction, and he made of point to make sure I was aware of that. With all of this and knowing that this wonderful woman's faiths are very important to her, I have made a decision that if my old roommate would have spoken a bit differently, I probably would have done back then. Below is a copy of a message I emailed the local Catholic Parish, minus some personal information.
"Hello,
My name is ... as a child I was not really raised with any religious values, but to be respectful of all faiths. I have always wanted to treat everyone right and have taken time to learn a bit about each faith, including taking the Religion theme at [College Name] to help me learn. I have attended a Catholic service with a close friend once before and have enjoyed the service I attended at Holy Rosary Church located in .... Before I say too much more, I have also started seeing a wonderful young woman and her faith is very important to her and I will be attending the campus service tomorrow and I am looking forward to it.
I will be completely honest with you, and I feel I would like to join the Catholic Church. I am unsure what the process is to join, and I want to do this right. My choice in wanting to join the Church is something I have honestly thought about for a long time. Could you pass a long to me the information of getting set up to join the Church and I would also like to purchase a Bible, I have read some parts of a few different religious texts including my old roommate's Bible (my old roommate attends your services) and I would like to continue reading it.
I do hope it is alright that I will be attending your service tomorrow on [College Name]'s campus. I look forward to your response and to hopefully joining the Catholic Church."
Before I met this wonderful woman I have been seeing, I have thought about joining the Catholic Church, because I have felt something was missing from my life, and I purposely approached my old roommate to try and learn about the Catholic faith and I greatly respect the fact that he let me borrow a Bible of his and he gained greater respect from me for not trying to push me in any direction, and he made of point to make sure I was aware of that. With all of this and knowing that this wonderful woman's faiths are very important to her, I have made a decision that if my old roommate would have spoken a bit differently, I probably would have done back then. Below is a copy of a message I emailed the local Catholic Parish, minus some personal information.
"Hello,
My name is ... as a child I was not really raised with any religious values, but to be respectful of all faiths. I have always wanted to treat everyone right and have taken time to learn a bit about each faith, including taking the Religion theme at [College Name] to help me learn. I have attended a Catholic service with a close friend once before and have enjoyed the service I attended at Holy Rosary Church located in .... Before I say too much more, I have also started seeing a wonderful young woman and her faith is very important to her and I will be attending the campus service tomorrow and I am looking forward to it.
I will be completely honest with you, and I feel I would like to join the Catholic Church. I am unsure what the process is to join, and I want to do this right. My choice in wanting to join the Church is something I have honestly thought about for a long time. Could you pass a long to me the information of getting set up to join the Church and I would also like to purchase a Bible, I have read some parts of a few different religious texts including my old roommate's Bible (my old roommate attends your services) and I would like to continue reading it.
I do hope it is alright that I will be attending your service tomorrow on [College Name]'s campus. I look forward to your response and to hopefully joining the Catholic Church."
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Figuring out the future, figuring out the past
There are aspects of every day life that will make you think about the past, and the future. Things that might make you worry or act a certain way, but may not understand. Or maybe you do understand and fear this understanding so your subconscious hides it. Of late my mind has been on someone in particular, and I have been happy yes, but no matter what these last couple of weeks have been wonderful, minus a couple of elements that I was at fault for. Hopefully they are understood and do not affect things too negatively.
Right now I am at a odd place for me, sitting on a computer looking out seeing a light snow fall and wondering about a lot of things...and wondering what I should do or what I should not do. I wonder a lot about the future and about the life I want to live, and the guy I am. I will always try to be a nice guy, no matter who you are. Granted there are a few people I don't want to deal with, but that is a rather short list, and will always be a small list, and equally as short are the people who I have wronged or there have been misunderstandings with. For these wrongs and misunderstandings, I feel awful for and wish for a second chance and wish to convey my thoughts if they would hear it.
There is someone in particular I would never want to wrong, I would never want to hurt. She is a wonderful young woman who is very intelligent she is also very cute. And as one of my friends say, "out of my league". She is a wonderful and I would like to be there for her, no matter what she decides. But, I do trust her to make the best decision for her, that is what one must do when in college. And in college your studies should come first.
Sitting here reminds me of everything I am moving away from, of all the issues of my past that I do not want to continue in my future, and I will not allow to be part of my life.
I wrote this last week, within a short time of Spring Break starting. It is interesting to see all the things I have survived and now I can look back at it and smile. Yes, my past has shaped me and it showed me a lot about myself, most of it good. I will always be there for the good people in my life, and I will always try to treat people right with almost no worry about what it might cost myself.
Yesterday I surprised a friend of mine with how I plan for the future and plan on developing a little safety net so I have the means to go where I need to for work, hopefully I can stay in the state, preferably near one of two of my favorite cities, but I will go where I need to.
Right now I am working at losing weight and showing a special woman how important she is to me. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, a little sadness on the inside knowing that she will be leaving her family today, and from what I hear she has a good family (which I am very happy she has) and will obviously miss them.
I hope everyone else has a great day today.
Right now I am at a odd place for me, sitting on a computer looking out seeing a light snow fall and wondering about a lot of things...and wondering what I should do or what I should not do. I wonder a lot about the future and about the life I want to live, and the guy I am. I will always try to be a nice guy, no matter who you are. Granted there are a few people I don't want to deal with, but that is a rather short list, and will always be a small list, and equally as short are the people who I have wronged or there have been misunderstandings with. For these wrongs and misunderstandings, I feel awful for and wish for a second chance and wish to convey my thoughts if they would hear it.
There is someone in particular I would never want to wrong, I would never want to hurt. She is a wonderful young woman who is very intelligent she is also very cute. And as one of my friends say, "out of my league". She is a wonderful and I would like to be there for her, no matter what she decides. But, I do trust her to make the best decision for her, that is what one must do when in college. And in college your studies should come first.
Sitting here reminds me of everything I am moving away from, of all the issues of my past that I do not want to continue in my future, and I will not allow to be part of my life.
I wrote this last week, within a short time of Spring Break starting. It is interesting to see all the things I have survived and now I can look back at it and smile. Yes, my past has shaped me and it showed me a lot about myself, most of it good. I will always be there for the good people in my life, and I will always try to treat people right with almost no worry about what it might cost myself.
Yesterday I surprised a friend of mine with how I plan for the future and plan on developing a little safety net so I have the means to go where I need to for work, hopefully I can stay in the state, preferably near one of two of my favorite cities, but I will go where I need to.
Right now I am working at losing weight and showing a special woman how important she is to me. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, a little sadness on the inside knowing that she will be leaving her family today, and from what I hear she has a good family (which I am very happy she has) and will obviously miss them.
I hope everyone else has a great day today.
Understanding
Upon my last drive back to school, I thought about how much I make those who care about me worry when I pull these late night drives across state. When I got to college I had three people to contact, at 12:48am. When I parked the car I thought about how much I might be making them worry. I knew how much one of them worried because they knew about all my late night drives to and from the east side of the state, and I never thought much of it back then, it was just when I ended up leaving. On this rainy day and taking a slow start to my morning before I finish my cleaning I figured I could put these thoughts down and their conclusion.
I personally have always liked night driving due to the lack of people on the road, but at the same time, I do get tired like anyone else and I go to bed at an early hour. This time when I arrived thinking about all the loss that has appeared in my life, I thought about those close to me, my good friends, my family, this special woman, and my like-family and coworkers, and I thought how if something happened it might effect them...and I know I would never want to cause any of them pain. I would never want to make someone cry. I would never want to make someone feel hurt.
So, from all these thoughts I will work on limiting my night driving, and work on leaving on time, granted I did enjoy the time with my Aunt and with her dog Ashy.
If your having a rainy day where you are, just sit for awhile and listen to the sound of the pouring rain maybe take a nap to it, or just spend sometime working on things you have been putting off. Either way enjoy your day, no matter what have a great day, because you deserve to have as many as you can.
I personally have always liked night driving due to the lack of people on the road, but at the same time, I do get tired like anyone else and I go to bed at an early hour. This time when I arrived thinking about all the loss that has appeared in my life, I thought about those close to me, my good friends, my family, this special woman, and my like-family and coworkers, and I thought how if something happened it might effect them...and I know I would never want to cause any of them pain. I would never want to make someone cry. I would never want to make someone feel hurt.
So, from all these thoughts I will work on limiting my night driving, and work on leaving on time, granted I did enjoy the time with my Aunt and with her dog Ashy.
If your having a rainy day where you are, just sit for awhile and listen to the sound of the pouring rain maybe take a nap to it, or just spend sometime working on things you have been putting off. Either way enjoy your day, no matter what have a great day, because you deserve to have as many as you can.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Hello again
Well it sure has been awhile. Things have been going great in my life. I have been so completely happy. Not only have I been seeing a wonderful woman for almost a month and it has only seemed like days, but just about everything has been falling into place. I know the man I want to be in life, and I know the things I will never do. But, outside of my life there are those around me that have been having a hard time. And they are kept close to my heart and my mind in the hope that things will get better for them all.
One of my coworkers gave me a complement the other day that made me very happy, almost enough to shed a tear, in addition while cleaning so many labs with her, she asked me lots of questions while we cleaned and enjoyed some random thoughts. I really hope things went well for her and her partner with her partner's folks. I have to say it is great to have a friend that understands how some people's brains can look at an issue from so many perspectives and can lead to challenges making decisions, one thing she did tell me, that readdressed how happy of a guy I am, that I hope to never mess this up with this wonderful woman.
Today this special woman in my life got accepted into the college of Education. And, instead of just coffee I got to hang out with a good friend for brunch today, this friend of mine got me tickets to take out this wonderful woman to see a comedian. I am amazed at how things are going so far, I am still amazed that she and I met and that I had the courage to ask her out. Confidence is something I have always been told I need to work on, and yeah it is, especially when it is something I do not know about, or something I am unsure of. I have no problem asking questions about topics, and never will, but it amazes me how things are going in my life. And around me I see friends, a boss, and a few others going through hard times, these hard times make me remember the great people in my life and how they were there for me.
I want to take this time to thank anyone reading this, you have seen parts of me that I only started here because I didn't know where else to say it. I also want to thank those friends of mine, it is amazing me the struggles the human body and mind can survive without help, and the advice good people can offer, and the lasting affect it can have on your life. One of the many decisions I had to make of recent times, was to figure out whether or not I was breaking own words no matter what I did. If it wasn't for the black and white of what a friend said it to me plainly, my mind would still be going in loops trying to figure this out.
I have things fairly well planned for the future, there is always chances for me to mess things up, but I will always be honest to this special woman. I know there are things I have not told her about me, but they do not change who I am and how I am to her. And the way I treat her now, is how I will always treat her. She is very special and I will always treat her as such. Whether it is just me dressing up for her a time or buying her a flower, or taking her out or cooking her dinner, better yet maybe cooking it with her. I have so much to be thankful for right now,
Thank you my friends, and thank you those that are reading this. I wonder what you think when you read these. But, either way, thank you for taking the time to be there for me.
One of my coworkers gave me a complement the other day that made me very happy, almost enough to shed a tear, in addition while cleaning so many labs with her, she asked me lots of questions while we cleaned and enjoyed some random thoughts. I really hope things went well for her and her partner with her partner's folks. I have to say it is great to have a friend that understands how some people's brains can look at an issue from so many perspectives and can lead to challenges making decisions, one thing she did tell me, that readdressed how happy of a guy I am, that I hope to never mess this up with this wonderful woman.
Today this special woman in my life got accepted into the college of Education. And, instead of just coffee I got to hang out with a good friend for brunch today, this friend of mine got me tickets to take out this wonderful woman to see a comedian. I am amazed at how things are going so far, I am still amazed that she and I met and that I had the courage to ask her out. Confidence is something I have always been told I need to work on, and yeah it is, especially when it is something I do not know about, or something I am unsure of. I have no problem asking questions about topics, and never will, but it amazes me how things are going in my life. And around me I see friends, a boss, and a few others going through hard times, these hard times make me remember the great people in my life and how they were there for me.
I want to take this time to thank anyone reading this, you have seen parts of me that I only started here because I didn't know where else to say it. I also want to thank those friends of mine, it is amazing me the struggles the human body and mind can survive without help, and the advice good people can offer, and the lasting affect it can have on your life. One of the many decisions I had to make of recent times, was to figure out whether or not I was breaking own words no matter what I did. If it wasn't for the black and white of what a friend said it to me plainly, my mind would still be going in loops trying to figure this out.
I have things fairly well planned for the future, there is always chances for me to mess things up, but I will always be honest to this special woman. I know there are things I have not told her about me, but they do not change who I am and how I am to her. And the way I treat her now, is how I will always treat her. She is very special and I will always treat her as such. Whether it is just me dressing up for her a time or buying her a flower, or taking her out or cooking her dinner, better yet maybe cooking it with her. I have so much to be thankful for right now,
Thank you my friends, and thank you those that are reading this. I wonder what you think when you read these. But, either way, thank you for taking the time to be there for me.
Monday, March 4, 2013
past+happiness
Being at my parents house these past few days I see what I will never be. Within 24 hours of being here, Carl started an argument. Pretty much sadly its the norm here. And talking with a friend, I mentioned this and other things that saddens me to say, no names will be mentioned below, but I will share this with those who decide to read this:
"I have come to terms with my past. And, I know that Carl will have no part in my life. Things have been better since I graduated high school and started college, that's when I knew I can be happy and I have the right to be happy.
I know it sounds sad, but knowing that I will not have carl in my life later on, means a lot to me know. knowing that if I have kids I will be a better father to them, knowing all the things that were done to us, makes me happy to say I will never be like him. When my friend and I met, I was in a dark place, and I am sorry for how I was then. Carl had done a lot of damage that summer in 2 weeks, and everything else that happened just left me a bit messed up. And caused me to change my priority of a few keys rules of life: always put others before myself. I knew at the end of last summer I needed to take time for myself...which has been hard for me. Over time life got better, and I grew the confidence to ask an amazing girl out. And, I am back to smiling again, back to being happy (and I was happy before I met her)."
"I have come to terms with my past. And, I know that Carl will have no part in my life. Things have been better since I graduated high school and started college, that's when I knew I can be happy and I have the right to be happy.
And I saw my past wasn't a norm. Which makes me really happy too. My past in a twisted messed up way, made me who I am. I might be a bit protective of what I share at times. Knowing that I have job potentials upon graduation, knowing I will never be like him, and that I have the right to be happy makes my day a bit better. Sadly the less I am in flint the better things are in my life, though its less with my mom and dog, extended family and my coworkers(who I call family), makes me sad and which seems weird to me.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Purpose of life: to be a good friend...maybe a little more
For centuries people have chatted about the purpose of life...well I am not going to do that. I wanted to talk about how I deemed the purpose of my life, and a little into why. I once had a teacher back in high school, and he had this thing that you acted like a duck or an eagle An eagle was a person that in the briefest of terms did not complain, and was not lazy, and a duck was essentially the opposite. Well I don't always believe this, I feel everyone has things in life that make them worry, and make life hard enough that getting something off your chest can be helpful.
Personally, from the bad elements that I have experienced I have decided a lot of aspects in my life. Enough that I decide who to invite to functions based on who will be there. If person X does not like person Z, then comes the hard time picking who to invite. I also will work to be there for all my friends, we each go through some hardships and we all seek comfort in one form or another, or seek someone we trust to be there for us, to keep our secrets and over a comforting hug when one is in hard times.
I also feel distance and time cannot destroy a friendship, just give you more to talk about every time both members have the time to get together. And time they say, can heal all wounds...which is usually true, but what they do not say is a good friend is like a the cogs in the clock, and when you have a great friend giving their time to be there for you, the clog spins faster.
I also have been that friend, no matter what you need (if I got it) and no matter what time, drop a line and I am there. I know what it is like to go through some rough spells, and a good friend is like sandpaper making those rough spells a lot smoother. Whether with a hug, a soothing voice, a shoulder to cry on, or bearing comfort in any other form, a good friend can bring joy to any life, and help make anyone's day a lot better of a day.
This is what I want to be to all my friends out there, a good reliable friend that can be there in the worst of it, or the best of it. I have to say, I am hoping I may have found that special someone who I might be able to be more than friends with(don't be dirty, I like this young woman a lot).
Personally, from the bad elements that I have experienced I have decided a lot of aspects in my life. Enough that I decide who to invite to functions based on who will be there. If person X does not like person Z, then comes the hard time picking who to invite. I also will work to be there for all my friends, we each go through some hardships and we all seek comfort in one form or another, or seek someone we trust to be there for us, to keep our secrets and over a comforting hug when one is in hard times.
I also feel distance and time cannot destroy a friendship, just give you more to talk about every time both members have the time to get together. And time they say, can heal all wounds...which is usually true, but what they do not say is a good friend is like a the cogs in the clock, and when you have a great friend giving their time to be there for you, the clog spins faster.
I also have been that friend, no matter what you need (if I got it) and no matter what time, drop a line and I am there. I know what it is like to go through some rough spells, and a good friend is like sandpaper making those rough spells a lot smoother. Whether with a hug, a soothing voice, a shoulder to cry on, or bearing comfort in any other form, a good friend can bring joy to any life, and help make anyone's day a lot better of a day.
This is what I want to be to all my friends out there, a good reliable friend that can be there in the worst of it, or the best of it. I have to say, I am hoping I may have found that special someone who I might be able to be more than friends with(don't be dirty, I like this young woman a lot).
Doing this for so many reasons. But, I would still give you the world.
I have started going back to the gym this morning, I got there at 6am, and I got back home at 7:30am. So it wasn't the longest work out in the world, but it was successful. I spent every minute working on my body. I rowed 5400 meters and biked 6 miles in 25 minutes, then I went down stairs and wait lifted for a little bit. I got a lot to work on, a lot to lose.
Am I making all these changes for this wonderful woman in my life, well I will answer that in a weird way... I have been meaning to get back to the gym, I have been meaning to get back into losing weight. And, this wonderful woman is what made me decide its finally time, and she brought no pressure on me to do it. I want her to know she is special, and she knows I like her, that fact I will not hide. Yes, we are taking things slow, and I am perfectly fine with that. And yes I will be going to church with her, which does not bother me at all. If it did, I wouldn't do it.
This woman is wonderful and special and I would do anything to make her happy. I see religion is important and her family are important. I see running is important to her family. I see all these things, and I know for a successful relationship (as one of my coworkers would say this "relationship" is technically a partnership, but again labels will come in time, when she and I are ready) they have to be part of my life too, and have to be important to me. So the question I asked myself early on, can these be important to me? And the answer was quick and easy, YES.
I don't know if she is reading this, but I hope she is happy with every text she gets from me, as happy as I am to see her name appear saying I got a text, which reminds me one thing I have to show her. I hope she realizes how much I want to protect her from harm, and how much I want her to see how special she is in my mind. She already knows I trust her, I have told her so much openly and I have had no qualms about it, granted I had a little freak out, but one text from her and I was fine...and its not that it felt wrong telling her so much, it's just nothing I have done before.
I have decided on a 3 day a week workout regiment that I plan on adhering to, I have needed to drop this weight for a long time and she is the added tiny tiny weight that tipped the scale into getting my big bum out and working on making my bum small.
I hope your reading this and I hope it brings happy tears to your eyes as actually writing this out brought to mine. I hope your morning is going well, on your busy Monday. Mine seems to be going great. :)
Am I making all these changes for this wonderful woman in my life, well I will answer that in a weird way... I have been meaning to get back to the gym, I have been meaning to get back into losing weight. And, this wonderful woman is what made me decide its finally time, and she brought no pressure on me to do it. I want her to know she is special, and she knows I like her, that fact I will not hide. Yes, we are taking things slow, and I am perfectly fine with that. And yes I will be going to church with her, which does not bother me at all. If it did, I wouldn't do it.
This woman is wonderful and special and I would do anything to make her happy. I see religion is important and her family are important. I see running is important to her family. I see all these things, and I know for a successful relationship (as one of my coworkers would say this "relationship" is technically a partnership, but again labels will come in time, when she and I are ready) they have to be part of my life too, and have to be important to me. So the question I asked myself early on, can these be important to me? And the answer was quick and easy, YES.
I don't know if she is reading this, but I hope she is happy with every text she gets from me, as happy as I am to see her name appear saying I got a text, which reminds me one thing I have to show her. I hope she realizes how much I want to protect her from harm, and how much I want her to see how special she is in my mind. She already knows I trust her, I have told her so much openly and I have had no qualms about it, granted I had a little freak out, but one text from her and I was fine...and its not that it felt wrong telling her so much, it's just nothing I have done before.
I have decided on a 3 day a week workout regiment that I plan on adhering to, I have needed to drop this weight for a long time and she is the added tiny tiny weight that tipped the scale into getting my big bum out and working on making my bum small.
I hope your reading this and I hope it brings happy tears to your eyes as actually writing this out brought to mine. I hope your morning is going well, on your busy Monday. Mine seems to be going great. :)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Changing the past
The other day at work I heard a young man say "...if I could go back, I would have done that." I sometimes identify with this phrase. Sometimes, I do not, but say I would change everything about my past.
I know my past wasn't the most perfect past, but there are life lessons I would never have learned if it wasn't for a past like that. I have learned that I am the kind of guy who would protect those I care about, with every fiber of my being, from going through what I have been through. But, at the same time there are events in my past that I would love to never have in my past. Since we cannot do this, I learn to live my life from the experiences I have had, to learn from these elements of my past and to not let them control me. Though I hope there are more cases of great people that are great without having to live through hardships.
But, then again, changing the past may not be for the best. If you remove an element, could that lead to you never doing something else you did? I would argue yes, and an example from my past that I would say fits this, is my current relationship status. See, I was so terrified to ask a girl out that it took me a very long time till I had been in a relationship, and well I didn't met her through a usual way. But, there is a girl I am seeing know, that I am...well, as I would put it: in that happy stage where you are getting to know each other, but you don't want to put labels on it yet, for fear of ruining something. I would have never asked out this wonderful woman (the second woman, the other...well we will leave it as it did not end well). I am purposefully leaving her name out, but I don't think I met someone so understanding and wonderful as she is. When I had asked her out...my voice decided to act wrong...it may have cracked, but I know it went out briefly and she still said yes. And, even though she wasn't feeling the greatest, she did not cancel or reschedule. I was amazed and excited by that fact alone. Though each time we hang out, at the end of the night, I run through the evening everything I have said and done, and her reactions. Sometimes I feel I have so terribly messed up that she won't respond to my text the next day, and she responds so I know that I was probably over analyzing it all. Each time I feel I might be making mistakes less. I care about this amazing young woman, I like her and she is wonderful. I never regret asking this amazing young woman out, heck when my friends have seen me hop around a computer lab, you know I am in a great mood. And, I hope that I leave her happy too, I try to treat her as special as I feel she is, and I really hope I am succeeding and I really hope, I don't mess this up.
I know my past wasn't the most perfect past, but there are life lessons I would never have learned if it wasn't for a past like that. I have learned that I am the kind of guy who would protect those I care about, with every fiber of my being, from going through what I have been through. But, at the same time there are events in my past that I would love to never have in my past. Since we cannot do this, I learn to live my life from the experiences I have had, to learn from these elements of my past and to not let them control me. Though I hope there are more cases of great people that are great without having to live through hardships.
But, then again, changing the past may not be for the best. If you remove an element, could that lead to you never doing something else you did? I would argue yes, and an example from my past that I would say fits this, is my current relationship status. See, I was so terrified to ask a girl out that it took me a very long time till I had been in a relationship, and well I didn't met her through a usual way. But, there is a girl I am seeing know, that I am...well, as I would put it: in that happy stage where you are getting to know each other, but you don't want to put labels on it yet, for fear of ruining something. I would have never asked out this wonderful woman (the second woman, the other...well we will leave it as it did not end well). I am purposefully leaving her name out, but I don't think I met someone so understanding and wonderful as she is. When I had asked her out...my voice decided to act wrong...it may have cracked, but I know it went out briefly and she still said yes. And, even though she wasn't feeling the greatest, she did not cancel or reschedule. I was amazed and excited by that fact alone. Though each time we hang out, at the end of the night, I run through the evening everything I have said and done, and her reactions. Sometimes I feel I have so terribly messed up that she won't respond to my text the next day, and she responds so I know that I was probably over analyzing it all. Each time I feel I might be making mistakes less. I care about this amazing young woman, I like her and she is wonderful. I never regret asking this amazing young woman out, heck when my friends have seen me hop around a computer lab, you know I am in a great mood. And, I hope that I leave her happy too, I try to treat her as special as I feel she is, and I really hope I am succeeding and I really hope, I don't mess this up.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I don't drink like I used to
Sometimes of late when I drink, my brain turns to the thoughts of my friends that have passed away. Deaths I thought I had dealt with on some level...apparently I have not dealt with it enough (typically I cry for a while). All of them were great people, some had their flaws, but we all do. Some of my friends would say I lack confidence, but I think it goes a bit deeper. I was thinking today, in the past 3 years: I had one friend commit suicide, 1 murdered, one of natural causes, and a dog that passed away, and one friend's dad.
One of these great people was an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic. I never knew this about him till it was too late...I wish I would have chatted with him more. All these deaths in the last 3 years show me one thing in life, do not let good choices pass you by. Take your life by your hands, and stir those horses in the direction you want to go.
One of these great people was an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic. I never knew this about him till it was too late...I wish I would have chatted with him more. All these deaths in the last 3 years show me one thing in life, do not let good choices pass you by. Take your life by your hands, and stir those horses in the direction you want to go.
Code of Life
Throughout my life I have seen many situations occur...and this is a list of the things I know I will never do...this list is hard for me to put down in thoughts, but maybe it is time remove one more barrier...hopefully the flood gates don't break.I have not really wanted to post this, since parts of it hint at elements of my past so painful for me, only a few know it. But, maybe it is time this is shared with the world.
This list is a modified version of one locked away, one that the few that saw it got angry with me about...hopefully this does not draw the same reaction.
- I will NEVER hit a woman or a child.
- I will NEVER keep secrets in a relationship.
- I will NEVER lock someone outside.
- I will NEVER subject someone to teo.
- I will ALWAYS protect those I care about.
- I will ALWAYS put others before myself.
- I will NEVER lie.
- I will NEVER cheat.
- I will NEVER steal.
- I will do my best to make people feel comfortable around me.
- I will do my best to be helpful to the world around me.
- I will ALWAYS be understanding.
- I will ALWAYS stand up and protect those being hurt.
- If I have kids, they will NEVER experience a childhood like mine.
- If I ever get married, I will NEVER do anything to lose my spouses trust.
- I will ALWAYS keep my word, without that I am nothing.
- I will try to hold doors open, not only for woman, but men and children.
- I will try to keep my schedule open and flexible to meet the needs of the many.
- I will do what it takes to save a life, for nothing more than to help another.
- If I see you struggling, I will do my best to offer a hand.
- If I see you fall, I will try to save you
- If I can not catch you, I will help you pick yourself up and reassemble the pieces.
- I will work on seeing myself as worthy of the kind words friends have for me.
- I will work on always capitalization the letter I, I no longer see my life how I did.
- I will always try to treat a woman right.
- whether that means:
- A random hug from time to time
- A random surprise of a flower
- A random card, not only when your feeling down, or happy
- and many other random surprises from time to time, just to show her she is special to me.
- I will ALWAYS offer a hug/shoulder to lean on for those that are worthy.
- I will lose the thought of the "trusted few", and learn to trust more.
- I will be as open to others about my life as they are with me...and hopefully they are not scared or worried.
- I will never hurt myself.
- I will forget the harsh words teo said,
- I will forget the harsh things teo did.
- I will stop hiding parts of myself behind walls.
This list is a modified version of one locked away, one that the few that saw it got angry with me about...hopefully this does not draw the same reaction.
Guys, listen up.
Yesterday I had a professor mention how she rides the bus to and from work and how she sees college kids often who won't get up for pregnant woman, or elderly and a lot of my fellow students were in agreement in seeing this. In addition I have gotten some odd looks holding the door opened for people, granted this could partially due to the fact I am using the windows to tell if someone is following me and then I hold the the door open. But, the looks and the reactions I get pretty much sound like these young woman have never had a guy hold a door open for them...
So where did the values I was raised with disappear to? Men, why are you not getting up for the pregnant or the elderly or the small children for that matter? Men, why are you not showing some respect and holding the door open for woman, or your fellow man? I decided to sleep on this last night as well as a few other thoughts lingering around my brain. And, an answer I still do not have. But, that does not matter. Its time guys to "man up" if your on the bus and you see someone less fortunate than you offer a hand. If your going into a building and your not in any hurry hold that door open for those behind you. If you are giving a woman a ride somewhere, hold your car door open for her.
When I was a kid I was raised to help those less off than myself, and I am not saying I had an awesome childhood, but it does not matter your past in this instance, help out. Maybe it is a different in how I was raised, as a child, when my mother was off from work and sat at the dinner table with us, we almost always would go around the table saying something we learned and someway we helped someone out, yeah, its kinda of corny, but it doesn't need to be. And, there should need to be no reward to helping out or just being a kind hearted person.
Just stand up a bit, and hold a door open and brighten up someone else's day.
So where did the values I was raised with disappear to? Men, why are you not getting up for the pregnant or the elderly or the small children for that matter? Men, why are you not showing some respect and holding the door open for woman, or your fellow man? I decided to sleep on this last night as well as a few other thoughts lingering around my brain. And, an answer I still do not have. But, that does not matter. Its time guys to "man up" if your on the bus and you see someone less fortunate than you offer a hand. If your going into a building and your not in any hurry hold that door open for those behind you. If you are giving a woman a ride somewhere, hold your car door open for her.
When I was a kid I was raised to help those less off than myself, and I am not saying I had an awesome childhood, but it does not matter your past in this instance, help out. Maybe it is a different in how I was raised, as a child, when my mother was off from work and sat at the dinner table with us, we almost always would go around the table saying something we learned and someway we helped someone out, yeah, its kinda of corny, but it doesn't need to be. And, there should need to be no reward to helping out or just being a kind hearted person.
Just stand up a bit, and hold a door open and brighten up someone else's day.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Wonders of the Heart, keeping fingers crossed.
No matter how tired I feel right now, my face is smiling. I asked a amazing young woman out and she said yes, we stayed in, instead of going out and it was amazing. She is wonderful. Tomorrow I have a little surprise planned for her, something highly random and unexpected, but nothing big and nothing flashy. I am a bit random at times, and I will only be me around her, no hiding anything.
I want her to know she is special, and beautiful. I know its only early, but I enjoyed every text, every fb message, every second talking. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. So, I have a little surprise planned for her tomorrow, nothing big, hopefully cute and random and I hope she likes it.
I am normally don't ask women out, its a scary thing on both fronts. Having a guy whose voice might crack or might loose his voice for a second asking you out, has to be hard on a girl, and surprising at times. But, with every relationships there are lessons to be learned, granted I don't want to put a label on this just yet, for fear of potentially ruining what is now. But, besides that, these lessons tell you about who you are when you are seeing someone and tell you what mistakes you made, and I in most failed relationships there are lessons both parties could learn. Personally, for me it is in how I show I care, and not falling too fast, at least that is what I think they are. My ex would probably yell at me again about lots of things, but part of that would probably just be meant to lash out, and I really don't care.
There are a few things I think are key to a successful relationship, and when I say successful relationship, I am referring to the only one I feel matters, the long term relationship. Short term relationships, are never what I aim for in dating, I aim for finding the one I could find myself spending my life with. I hope this doesn't freak you out, knowing you can see this, but I am being honest here, one of the keys in my definition of relationships. Some of the other keys are (but not limited too) trust, honesty(yup mentioned above), communication, sharing of information (when it effects or could effect both your lives), willing to compromise, willing to admit to your faults, willing to be there for each other through thick and thin and many more.
I know this got off on a tangent, but I am thinking of a special young woman, one who I asked out and spent one date with, and I hope to see her more often. I also hope not to do anything that could damage her other relationships with friends or family, for I would never want to do that. All I really want, is to see her happy no matter what that means towards me. But either way, I hope the little surprise I am planning for her, will be one she will enjoy and be rather surprised about.
Here is to hoping...And if she has to cancel, I will be understanding we are in college and priorities should not be on relationships in college, but on studies. But, still I won't deny I have my fingers crossed.
**update**
There was a fear lingering in her mind which she discussed and I hope that this fear leads to making a decision. Last night this fell upon my mind when she left...and sat like a rock in my gut, but sadly this rock wasn't rounded and my mind went negative with it. I hope you see me as I am, I hope I have shown my willingness to understand, and my willingness to change. I know you don't want to rush in, and I don't want to rush you at all, and no matter what happens I would like to at least call you a friend...already you know more about me than a lot of others, I try not to show it, but I feel weak and isolated in front of you, I spent too many years hiding things from the world. You are an awesome young woman, and I know you haven't seen it, but these eyes drop alligator tears, they are just not so used to being seen when it happens. I hope you have a great day.
I want her to know she is special, and beautiful. I know its only early, but I enjoyed every text, every fb message, every second talking. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. So, I have a little surprise planned for her tomorrow, nothing big, hopefully cute and random and I hope she likes it.
I am normally don't ask women out, its a scary thing on both fronts. Having a guy whose voice might crack or might loose his voice for a second asking you out, has to be hard on a girl, and surprising at times. But, with every relationships there are lessons to be learned, granted I don't want to put a label on this just yet, for fear of potentially ruining what is now. But, besides that, these lessons tell you about who you are when you are seeing someone and tell you what mistakes you made, and I in most failed relationships there are lessons both parties could learn. Personally, for me it is in how I show I care, and not falling too fast, at least that is what I think they are. My ex would probably yell at me again about lots of things, but part of that would probably just be meant to lash out, and I really don't care.
There are a few things I think are key to a successful relationship, and when I say successful relationship, I am referring to the only one I feel matters, the long term relationship. Short term relationships, are never what I aim for in dating, I aim for finding the one I could find myself spending my life with. I hope this doesn't freak you out, knowing you can see this, but I am being honest here, one of the keys in my definition of relationships. Some of the other keys are (but not limited too) trust, honesty(yup mentioned above), communication, sharing of information (when it effects or could effect both your lives), willing to compromise, willing to admit to your faults, willing to be there for each other through thick and thin and many more.
I know this got off on a tangent, but I am thinking of a special young woman, one who I asked out and spent one date with, and I hope to see her more often. I also hope not to do anything that could damage her other relationships with friends or family, for I would never want to do that. All I really want, is to see her happy no matter what that means towards me. But either way, I hope the little surprise I am planning for her, will be one she will enjoy and be rather surprised about.
Here is to hoping...And if she has to cancel, I will be understanding we are in college and priorities should not be on relationships in college, but on studies. But, still I won't deny I have my fingers crossed.
**update**
There was a fear lingering in her mind which she discussed and I hope that this fear leads to making a decision. Last night this fell upon my mind when she left...and sat like a rock in my gut, but sadly this rock wasn't rounded and my mind went negative with it. I hope you see me as I am, I hope I have shown my willingness to understand, and my willingness to change. I know you don't want to rush in, and I don't want to rush you at all, and no matter what happens I would like to at least call you a friend...already you know more about me than a lot of others, I try not to show it, but I feel weak and isolated in front of you, I spent too many years hiding things from the world. You are an awesome young woman, and I know you haven't seen it, but these eyes drop alligator tears, they are just not so used to being seen when it happens. I hope you have a great day.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
support offered
There a lot of things in life happiness can be defined by. Right now a cup of coffee and a lingering thought about last night have me in a state of happiness. It is always interesting to me how small the world is, how people are linked by multiple people or just separated by a few.
But, a day ago I wrote this and saved it...why don't I share it.
A day or so ago, I saw a post by a cousin of mine, one of my cousins that it took us awhile to even realize we were related, I still remember that conversation and look back upon it with a smile. However, this post I am referring to in question leaves tears lingering in my eyes. Yup, I am talking about myself on the verge of tears over something I read about a wonderful, intelligent young woman who I share some family ties with. I won't say too much on this, for fear of upsetting anyone. But, in my opinion, love means a lot of things, but one of those things is never feeling hurt. In a relationship there should be support and caring. One should never be put down and mistreated. Whether you know me or not, this principle is key to me, from my past and I offer a helping hand to any who seek it, even here I will over words of support.
I have known too many friends who have dealt with hard times for long days before seeking help (sadly I am not just typing friends for myself).
I have known too many awesome woman and men :
I love all my friends, and will do what I can for them day or night. This is why my phone never is off. I have had too many friends that I found out where hurting themselves because they started to believe what some of the negative people in their life did to them. You are all worth it, I wouldn't respond to your odd hour messages, I wouldn't send you messages out of the blue saying your awesome or see how your doing every now and then.
Granted, I haven't hurt myself, but on some level I have began to believe what I have been told. Which is why when people tell me I am a great guy or a nice guy, I give them odd looks or decline. It has taken me a long time, but sometimes I don't decline it. Though, I am only as good of a guy to the people around me, as they will let me be. I have spent a night sleeping on one friend's floor because she was sick. I have spent one night holding back a friends hair as she was sick, and then sleeping on the floor near the bed near her because she was afraid to be alone. I have spent sleepless nights comforting friends. Days worrying about some awesome girls from my childhood, worrying if I would see them the next day, happily they are alive today and doing great.
So to finish this off, life can suck, life can be hard. Sadly, there are things that make life hard for a lot of people. And, having a good network of people that care is always a good thing. I offer an ear for support, and an E-hug for anyone in hard times. No one should go through them alone, and there is nothing worse then when your going through hard times, but to feel your alone and going through them. You can make it through these hard times, I swear it you can. I know you can, because you have made it this far, even if each day is a struggle some day you will be in power of your own life, and with that power you will see what you have survived and see how great of a person you are, because not everyone survives it.
Everyone is beautiful, everyone is wonderful, everyone deserves to be in love and happy.
But, a day ago I wrote this and saved it...why don't I share it.
A day or so ago, I saw a post by a cousin of mine, one of my cousins that it took us awhile to even realize we were related, I still remember that conversation and look back upon it with a smile. However, this post I am referring to in question leaves tears lingering in my eyes. Yup, I am talking about myself on the verge of tears over something I read about a wonderful, intelligent young woman who I share some family ties with. I won't say too much on this, for fear of upsetting anyone. But, in my opinion, love means a lot of things, but one of those things is never feeling hurt. In a relationship there should be support and caring. One should never be put down and mistreated. Whether you know me or not, this principle is key to me, from my past and I offer a helping hand to any who seek it, even here I will over words of support.
I have known too many friends who have dealt with hard times for long days before seeking help (sadly I am not just typing friends for myself).
I have known too many awesome woman and men :
- that have been in abusive relationships,
- too many that have gone through pregnancy scares
- too many that have been hurt by
- parents
- their partners
- their friends
- and random people
- too many that see themselves as worthless
- too many that started hurting themselves because they started to believe in it.
I love all my friends, and will do what I can for them day or night. This is why my phone never is off. I have had too many friends that I found out where hurting themselves because they started to believe what some of the negative people in their life did to them. You are all worth it, I wouldn't respond to your odd hour messages, I wouldn't send you messages out of the blue saying your awesome or see how your doing every now and then.
Granted, I haven't hurt myself, but on some level I have began to believe what I have been told. Which is why when people tell me I am a great guy or a nice guy, I give them odd looks or decline. It has taken me a long time, but sometimes I don't decline it. Though, I am only as good of a guy to the people around me, as they will let me be. I have spent a night sleeping on one friend's floor because she was sick. I have spent one night holding back a friends hair as she was sick, and then sleeping on the floor near the bed near her because she was afraid to be alone. I have spent sleepless nights comforting friends. Days worrying about some awesome girls from my childhood, worrying if I would see them the next day, happily they are alive today and doing great.
So to finish this off, life can suck, life can be hard. Sadly, there are things that make life hard for a lot of people. And, having a good network of people that care is always a good thing. I offer an ear for support, and an E-hug for anyone in hard times. No one should go through them alone, and there is nothing worse then when your going through hard times, but to feel your alone and going through them. You can make it through these hard times, I swear it you can. I know you can, because you have made it this far, even if each day is a struggle some day you will be in power of your own life, and with that power you will see what you have survived and see how great of a person you are, because not everyone survives it.
Everyone is beautiful, everyone is wonderful, everyone deserves to be in love and happy.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Winter Weather, better day
So, I am quickly approaching my 24th year (or 24th year and 9 months if your wanting to think of it as time as these cells have been alive) and I seem to be unfocused. I feel like something is missing from my life, something I am yet to figure out. I do have to say though, is I have some amazing friends out there. Tomorrow I shall be celebrating my birthday early with a small group of them. I picked to invite those that have been there for me through the hard times, and through the easy times, and those that have let me into parts of their lives and let me be there for them, in times of good and bad.
Each year around this time I reflect on what has been. And, each year I wish one special man could be here to celebrate my birthday with me. Sadly this great person was taken from my life back in 1997 of pancreatic cancer a little over a month after my birthday. As I type this I try to keep a part of him with me, and I try to live my life as he would have wanted me to. No one else's opinion's of me matter as much as his did.
*** *** ***
So, I think back on what I have done, and said to people. Whether I was happy, sad, or mad. There are several insistence where I wish I could apologies, but I feel it could drudge up old feelings, and make things worse. At the same time I look back on decisions I have made, and at times I am happy, in a few situations, that I took the high road, and at times I wish I would have. Life isn't always a box of chocolates, life isn't always sweet tasting, but it is full of different flavors, some you may not care for and some you enjoy, but all will come to pass, and all will teach you a bit about yourself.
*** *** ***
Still, I feel slightly incomplete. I know this year is usually a rough time for me, but there are a few reasons for that I don't think I will go into. some are quite obvious to those that have read some of these. And there are a few that have not been clearly stated. One, that I will mention is, well I think I am emotionally ready to try and start dating again. I know I will be slightly hesitant to trust like I did before, which I am justified in this thought. When a bridge is destroyed you don't build one with the same flaw in it, you make it stronger and you work to maintain it. One aspect of finding a relationship that is always hard to me, is the initial meeting.
Each year around this time I reflect on what has been. And, each year I wish one special man could be here to celebrate my birthday with me. Sadly this great person was taken from my life back in 1997 of pancreatic cancer a little over a month after my birthday. As I type this I try to keep a part of him with me, and I try to live my life as he would have wanted me to. No one else's opinion's of me matter as much as his did.
*** *** ***
So, I think back on what I have done, and said to people. Whether I was happy, sad, or mad. There are several insistence where I wish I could apologies, but I feel it could drudge up old feelings, and make things worse. At the same time I look back on decisions I have made, and at times I am happy, in a few situations, that I took the high road, and at times I wish I would have. Life isn't always a box of chocolates, life isn't always sweet tasting, but it is full of different flavors, some you may not care for and some you enjoy, but all will come to pass, and all will teach you a bit about yourself.
*** *** ***
Still, I feel slightly incomplete. I know this year is usually a rough time for me, but there are a few reasons for that I don't think I will go into. some are quite obvious to those that have read some of these. And there are a few that have not been clearly stated. One, that I will mention is, well I think I am emotionally ready to try and start dating again. I know I will be slightly hesitant to trust like I did before, which I am justified in this thought. When a bridge is destroyed you don't build one with the same flaw in it, you make it stronger and you work to maintain it. One aspect of finding a relationship that is always hard to me, is the initial meeting.
- First off, how do you meet them? Do you meet them at the bar (which may imply certain actions that could be happening later or could not?)? Do you start up conversations with random people you see at stores, or while you are out walking (which could easily throw the creeper vibe if done wrong)?
- Secondly, obviously you need to find some common ground. Something you both enjoy, but it has to be something truly you both enjoy. And discuss it.
- Here is the real kicker, I get nervous anymore when I am talking with woman, when its not in a professional setting. I am a nerd who works in IT, and as I work I seem to be completely capable of helping anyone, but once you remove that layer I sometimes become a bumbling idiot. And, I will NEVER flirt/hit on a woman while I am working.
- I will never date coworkers, and I will never flirt with someone in a professional setting.
- If I then latter meet them in a nonprofessional setting then maybe.
- Thirdly, this is the hardest part for me, is getting to the spot where I am comfortable to ask for a number.
- Which I actually get slightly amused by when this happens and the gal says something like "oh, your a nice guy, but...." which might be truly meant, but my brain takes it as: "yeah, no."
- And, I think ladies have gotten smart about realizing if a guy is trying to\is hitting on them and they don't want it, which is when you hear ladies make lots of references to their boyfriends. This I have to say good job ladies at trying to pick out what a guy is thinking, maybe you could help us guys figure you out. Secondly, I don't only chat with woman because I think she is cute or because I am in situation Z, and we randomly strike up a conversation. This random conversation, does not mean I am hitting on you, or I am going to ask for your number, sometimes it is nice just to meet and chat with some new woman, being I am in a male dominated field.
For not posting in a long time, I figure a slightly long blog, showing my brain and its random bouncing of topics might be a good idea. Have a great Saturday Everyone.
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