Confidence

For years I have people tell me a lot of things about myself somethings positive and somethings negitive, and somethings true and somethings false. The other day I was enjoying lunch with the Admin of my college's linux network (who I will refer to as Mr. Nice later on). Now, I normally am a very private person about my past and through some snipets of my past he has over heard me stating and through things I have told him he knows I have been through some hard dark times, but not what specifically, just that it has made me very finiancially aware, and lacking confidence.

Yesterday Mr. Nice bought us lunch and we talked, sadly I had meat so today I will be going meatless to try and "make up" for having chinese food yesterday. While we were talking Mr. Nice told me a bit about his past and I a bit about what is going on in my life, after I told him of the happy things coming and how I know I have a name to make with company X that I am interning at, and I do not want to disappiont them. Mr. Nice told me that it is ovbious to him that I am a solid developer, and the things that will hold me back in life are my confidence and my trust issues. And I won't even try to deny it, I have issues when it comes to trusting people and I have issues with confidence.

Just about everytime I walk into a mall or I get out of a vehicle I look around and do about a 360 analzying all that is going on around me. Once I enter malls I tend to avoid crowds, and keep my head on a swivil watching all round me, and if I am with people I tend to walk a bit slower, just slow enough to walk behind and see those around. I used to assume this was because of the town I used to live in, a town where they limited the size of groups in the mall and bad things happend around and outside the malls. And I told some of this to Mr. Nice, which he told me he was the same way for years, but not any more. He then told me it is more of an issue of confidence, and his wife gets after him sometimes for how he plans, no that is a poor word to use, he prepares no that is still bad, he is concious that you cannot trust everyone and is aware of it, so Mr. Nice's wife Mrs. Nice told him that on some level he prepares to deal with people he cannot trust and that her husband feels that everyone will betray that trust on some level. That is a scary thing to hear, I think especially from a wife, but at the same time, I know what Mr. Nice is saying, on some level I feel that same way, but we both agree, Mr. Nice trusts his wife and his family completely, just as I trust the wonderful woman in my life.

I am working on my trust issues and boy has it been a long hard ride to get to where I am, and honestly without my major I would still have a lot more trust issues than I do have to this day. However, for me confidence will always be a long hard fight to obtain, I know that teo's words mean nothing to me, but that little voice you can never fully stomp out wishpers maybe he was right...I hope he never is.

I know it is time for me to stop listening to that voice, and I think it is time for me to think long and hard on a lot of things, and to remember all the good impacts I have made on the lives of those I care about. The lives I have saved, the tough decisions I ahve been there for my friends through, illnesses I have helped people through, the tears I have offered hugs through, the long nights chatting, the little things I would do randomly for those I care about, and the dishes of comfort food I have made for those great people in my life. Anytime I start feeling down about myself, those are the thoughts I need to think back on, those and the words this wonderful woman in life has said to me.

On another note: highly random, I know, but that is the way of my brain. I would like to state I might start trying to do a post once a week, especially with this summer, I am not sure when I might have time to write on here for the world, since I should be working over 40hrs a week and taking a couse this summer to. As this summer ends I will be once step closer to the finish line of my bacholor's degree and one step closer to taking the plung into the field, working and paying back the loans I have. I hope everyone that reads this has a great day today, and I hope you have a great Happy Easter tomorrow and great Happy Easters for years to come.

random thoughs on Gender Neutral

While assisting a friend with an assignment on gender neutrality I started to rant on it. When I was young my mother made sure my sister and I had similar toys and tried to make sure we were treated the same by our extended family in the hope that we would see each other as equals and not just us, but our whole gender as equals.
6. What toys do you consider “gender neutral” and why?

I think every toy is gender neutral. I think it is society that is not gender neutral. I can not think of a toy that is labelled for Girls only no Boys and none that said Boys only no Girls. I think everything should be gender neutral, and I think the thought that this is part of what is wrong with society. In other cultures they realize there are more than two genders, in our western culture we do not recognize it as readily.

I don't see any reason why society feels we must raise our kids to play with different toys especially in the world of today, aren't we all equal?

To me it doesn't matter what gender you are, what your skin may look like or by how you choose to dress. What matters to me is the kind of person you choose to be.

It should never matte what your child chooses to play with or what they like, you should love them no matter what.

You in my life

I have never mentioned the name of this wonderful woman in my life, and there is a reason for that. I am so happy to have you in my life. You are perfect, you are wonderful and I never want to see you hurt. I never want to see tears fall down from those beautiful eyes for pain.

I have never felt so safer telling anyone what I have survived. Before I met you, I had left a dark chapter in my life and was starting a new, in a good place and now I feel  I am in a great place. I like the pace we are going, I feel it is best to allow this bond to grow and I really hope it flourishes into a wonderful garden filled with days filled with joy and happiness.

I really want to see you happy, and I hope you are happy with me as happy as I am with you.

Throughout my life I have had trust issues, but I have none with you...anytime in my life I tell someone after my past my heart starts to race, but not with you. I told you a lot from the beginning, yes I had a couple of moments where I got stressed after, but that does not change how I feel and I feel safe and cared for with you.

I feel awful for yesterday, for not double checking dates and I hope I did not make you feel pressured. You are very dear to my heart and I want you to know you will always be special to me.

survival

There is a lot to life that is involved surviving hard times. As a child, I saw everything I never wanted to be, but nothing of what I wanted to be...

As a child I was told often, by what should have been a loving parent:

• that I was worthless
• I was useless
• I would amount to nothing
• I am ugly
• I am fat
• I would hurt everything I touched

When I was young and it could isolate me, it would say these things then it would make a point of forcing me to tell it I loved it.... I have never and will never love him. For me this is a hard thing to say to anyone because of the number of times I had said it and i meant nothing, with how little we kids said it to our extended family it was probably readily apparent of something. As a kid though I put myself in the position where this happened a lot, for the record I hated it so much, but if I was in this position then my siblings were not. I never meant it when i said i loved him, and it hurts me to think about it.

Even, the school district I went to thought of myself and all the other kids I went to elementary school with as worthless. The school drew the lines for the elementary schools so that one was filled with the lower income families, and it was very apparent just by walking into one of the other schools what the higher ups thought of those that went to Buffey Elementary school.

When I make a mistake, I wonder...were they right?

After some thought, I got up and went out of this quite lonely room I am sitting in, and I ended up helping a family find their way. A family in support of one of their children and an even their child has today. Previous to this I have been doing a lot of thought on what I was told by teo (short for the evil one) and made to say to him. And, I know I want to be nothing like him which is why I think so much before I act. After helping this family, it put a bright note on today... I will always be worthless to some, but as long as those I care for see worth in me I am happy, I will never be useless, I will amount to something, I cannot really do much about how "ugly" I am (physically) but I will work to no be an ugly person (mentally, emotionally), I will work on my weight, and I will do my best to cherish everything I touch. To care for the things around me and  try to bring happiness to those near me. I know I will never say "I love you" often because I feel rather exposed, it is a phrase that means so much in such a simple 3 words, 8 letters, and 10 characters (space is considered a character and I am not assuming their is punctuation).

I care for how so many people around me, that I wish no harm to any of them. I wish happiness and a life without pain to them all, and I deeply hope I will never cause these people pain. In time I will tell those I care about how much I love them.

I shall leave you in the words of Dr. Joyce Brothers
     (quote from: http://thinkexist.com/quotes/dr._joyce_brothers/)

"Love come when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."

Years of thought, and I am finally making the decision.

When I was a child I was raised without faith. I was raised to be tolerant and respectful of any and all faiths and I purposely took a theme of religion when I entered college to hopefully gain an open view on as many faiths as I could. Throughout this I had gone through lots of hardships in my personal life and a friend and his family were there for me. I also attended a service with them and joined in some volunteer work with their  church.

Before I met this wonderful woman I have been seeing, I have thought about joining the Catholic Church, because I have felt something was missing from my life, and I purposely approached my old roommate to try and learn about the Catholic faith and I greatly respect the fact that he let me borrow a Bible of his and he gained greater respect from me for not trying to push me in any direction, and he made of point to make sure I was aware of that. With all of this and knowing that this wonderful woman's faiths are very important to her, I have made a decision that if my old roommate would have spoken a bit differently, I probably would have done back then. Below is a copy of a message I emailed the local Catholic Parish, minus some personal information.



"Hello,

My name is ... as a child I was not really raised with any religious values, but to be respectful of all faiths. I have always wanted to treat everyone right and have taken time to learn a bit about each faith, including taking the Religion theme at [College Name] to help me learn. I have attended a Catholic service with a close friend once before and have enjoyed the service I attended at Holy Rosary Church located in .... Before I say too much more, I have also started seeing a wonderful young woman and her faith is very important to her and I will be attending the campus service tomorrow and I am looking forward to it.

I will be completely honest with you, and I feel I would like to join the Catholic Church. I am unsure what the process is to join, and I want to do this right. My choice in wanting to join the Church is something I have honestly thought about for a long time. Could you pass a long to me the information of getting set up to join the Church and I would also like to purchase a Bible, I have read some parts of a few different religious texts including my old roommate's Bible (my old roommate attends your services) and I would like to continue reading it.

I do hope it is alright that I will be attending your service tomorrow on [College Name]'s campus. I look forward to your response and to hopefully joining the Catholic Church."

Figuring out the future, figuring out the past

There are aspects of every day life that will make you think about the past, and the future. Things that might make you worry or act a certain way, but may not understand. Or maybe you do understand and fear this understanding so your subconscious hides it. Of late my mind has been on someone in particular, and I have been happy yes, but no matter what these last couple of weeks have been wonderful, minus a couple of elements that I was at fault for. Hopefully they are understood and do not affect things too negatively.

Right now I am at a odd place for me, sitting on a computer looking out seeing a light snow fall and wondering about a lot of things...and wondering what I should do or what I should not do. I wonder a lot about the future and about the life I want to live, and the guy I am. I will always try to be a nice guy, no matter who you are. Granted there are a few people I don't want to deal with, but that is a rather short list, and will always be a small list, and equally as short are the people who I have wronged or there have been misunderstandings with. For these wrongs and misunderstandings, I feel awful for and wish for a second chance and wish to convey my thoughts if they would hear it.

There is someone in particular I would never want to wrong, I would never want to hurt. She is a wonderful young woman who is very intelligent she is also very cute. And as one of my friends say, "out of my league". She is a wonderful and I would like to be there for her, no matter what she decides. But, I do trust her to make the best decision for her, that is what one must do when in college. And in college your studies should come first.

 Sitting here reminds me of everything I am moving away from, of all the issues of my past that I do not want to continue in my future, and I will not allow to be part of my life.

I wrote this last week, within a short time of Spring Break starting. It is interesting to see all the things I have survived and now I can look back at it and smile. Yes, my past has shaped me and it showed me a lot about myself, most of it good. I will always be there for the good people in my life, and I will always try to treat people right with almost no worry about what it might cost myself.

Yesterday I surprised a friend of mine with how I plan for the future and plan on developing a little safety net so I have the means to go where I need to for work, hopefully I can stay in the state, preferably near one of two of my favorite cities, but I will go where I need to.

 Right now I am working at losing weight and showing a special woman how important she is to me. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, a little sadness on the inside knowing that she will be leaving her family today, and from what I hear she has a good family (which I am very happy she has) and will obviously miss them.

I hope everyone else has a great day today.

Understanding

Upon my last drive back to school, I thought about how much I make those who care about me worry when I pull these late night drives across state. When I got to college I had three people to contact, at 12:48am. When I parked the car I thought about how much I might be making them worry. I knew how much one of them worried because they knew about all my late night drives to and from the east side of the state, and I never thought much of it back then, it was just when I ended up leaving. On this rainy day and taking a slow start to my morning before I finish my cleaning I figured I could put these thoughts down and their conclusion.

I personally have always liked night driving due to the lack of people on the road, but at the same time, I do get tired like anyone else and I go to bed at an early hour. This time when I arrived thinking about all the loss that has appeared in my life, I thought about those close to me, my good friends, my family, this special woman, and my like-family and coworkers, and I thought how if something happened it might effect them...and I know I would never want to cause any of them pain. I would never want to make someone cry. I would never want to make someone feel hurt.

So, from all these thoughts I will work on limiting my night driving, and work on leaving on time, granted I did enjoy the time with my Aunt and with her dog Ashy.

If your having a rainy day where you are, just sit for awhile and listen to the sound of the pouring rain maybe take a nap to it, or just spend sometime working on things you have been putting off. Either way enjoy your day, no matter what have a great day, because you deserve to have as many as you can.

Hello again

Well it sure has been awhile. Things have been going great in my life. I have been so completely happy. Not only have I been seeing a wonderful woman for almost a month and it has only seemed like days, but just about everything has been falling into place. I know the man I want to be in life, and I know the things I will never do. But, outside of my life there are those around me that have been having a hard time. And they are kept close to my heart and my mind in the hope that things will get better for them all.

One of my coworkers gave me a complement the other day that made me very happy, almost enough to shed a tear, in addition while cleaning so many labs with her, she asked me lots of questions while we cleaned and enjoyed some random thoughts. I really hope things went well for her and her partner with her partner's folks. I have to say it is great to have a friend that understands how some people's brains can look at an issue from so many perspectives and can lead to challenges making decisions, one thing she did tell me, that readdressed how happy of a guy I am, that I hope to never mess this up with this wonderful woman.

Today this special woman in my life got accepted into the college of Education. And, instead of just coffee I got to hang out with a good friend for brunch today, this friend of mine got me tickets to take out this wonderful woman to see a comedian. I am amazed at how things are going so far, I am still amazed that she and I met and that I had the courage to ask her out. Confidence is something I have always been told I need to work on, and yeah it is, especially when it is something I do not know about, or something I am unsure of.  I have no problem asking questions about topics, and never will, but it amazes me how things are going in my life. And around me I see friends, a boss, and a few others going through hard times, these hard times make me remember the great people in my life and how they were there for me.

I want to take this time to thank anyone reading this, you have seen parts of me that I only started here because I didn't know where else to say it. I also want to thank those friends of mine, it is amazing me the struggles the human body and mind can survive without help, and the advice good people can offer, and the lasting affect it can have on your life. One of the many decisions I had to make of recent times, was to figure out whether or not I was breaking own words no matter what I did. If it wasn't for the black and white of what a friend said it to me plainly, my mind would still be going in loops trying to figure this out.

I have things fairly well planned for the future, there is always chances for me to mess things up, but I will always be honest to this special woman. I know there are things I have not told her about me, but they do not change who I am and how I am to her. And the way I treat her now, is how I will always treat her. She is very special and I will always treat her as such. Whether it is just me dressing up for her a time or buying her a flower, or taking her out or cooking her dinner, better yet maybe cooking it with her. I have so much to be thankful for right now,

Thank you my friends, and thank you those that are reading this. I wonder what you think when you read these. But, either way, thank you for taking the time to be there for me.

past+happiness

Being at my parents house these past few days I see what I will never be. Within 24 hours of being here, Carl started an argument. Pretty much sadly its the norm here. And talking with a friend, I mentioned this and other things that saddens me to say, no names will be mentioned below, but I will share this with those who decide to read this:

"I have come to terms with my past. And, I know that Carl will have no part in my life. Things have been better since I graduated high school and started college, that's when I knew I can be happy and I have the right to be happy.

And I saw my past wasn't a norm. Which makes me really happy too. My past in a twisted messed up way, made me who I am. I might be a bit protective of what I share at times. Knowing that I have job potentials upon graduation, knowing I will never be like him, and that I have the right to be happy makes my day a bit better. Sadly the less I am in flint the better things are in my life, though its less with my mom and dog, extended family and my coworkers(who I call family), makes me sad and which seems weird to me.

I know it sounds sad, but knowing that I will not have carl in my life later on, means a lot to me know. knowing that if I have kids I will be a better father to them, knowing all the things that were done to us, makes me happy to say I will never be like him. When my friend and I met, I was in a dark place, and I am sorry for how I was then. Carl had done a lot of damage that summer in 2 weeks, and everything else that happened just left me a bit messed up. And caused me to change my priority of a few keys rules of life: always put others before myself. I knew at the end of last summer I needed to take time for myself...which has been hard for me. Over time life got better, and I grew the confidence to ask an amazing girl out. And, I am back to smiling again, back to being happy (and I was happy before I met her)."