rough times

This year I have had a lot go wrong, On the 10th of this month there was another death. Not only this, but A good friend lost his grandfather, my mother had surgery, and so did my younger brother. Then yesterday there was a school shooting at a elementary school Sandy Hook yesterday and a Newton School today.

There has been a lot of pain this year. And I wish no more pain upon others.

In light of these shootings and my friends murder something needs to be done, to make the world a safer place. It is very sad how much harm our species causes whether it be due to religious differences, political differences, and racial differences as well as all the destruction we have caused to creatures habitats or to ecosystems around the globe. As a species we need to start looking past our petty differences. I am not saying that there not people doing this already, and I am not directing towards anyone at all, but at our species as a whole. We need to protect what we have, keep what is here alive and advance ourselves without harming the world or members of our species. There was no reason justifiable for these children, teachers, and parents to die, and there was no reason for my friend to be stabbed.

We were all born here and we should all be able to live here without people suffering. Can't we all just get along and live long healthy lives? Letting those that choose grow up and produce offspring  and those that choose not to, to not. Letting those of any difference be as different as they want as long as they don't step on the rights of others.

With all this going on, the stress of my semester seems petty and worthless. All those sleepless nights, all those 36, 48, and weeks of varying hours greater than 30 hours, and the one 66 hour days. I wish I had more time to give to the world and hope to make things better for varying reasons. I do what I can to help others out, when I can. I wish I had more time to give.

nice guy/ single guy

I really hope the few other nice guys out there did not have a past like mine...I try not to talk about and I never tell anyone the full story. I think its safest for them, for the ones I share blood with, and myself.  Though there doesn't seem to be many nice guys out there, I thoughts as to why, but my brain cannot state the full thought. I enjoy pondering these thoughts on things though I feel I shall never now the answers.

On to the relationship status: as times progress I feel that I have accidentally or purposefully (unconsciously) ruined my chances of at least getting to know a few wonderful woman. As time goes on I wonder as to why I did this. Its been a long tedious brain thought, though I think I may have figured it out. I don't think it is that I enjoy being single, but I think inside I realized I can do the most good if I am single. I don't think it really matters too much to continue my genetic line, if I don't well oh well, and if I do I would want to make sure they are a benefit to the world.

I have lived my life always wanting to benefit to the world and I can do do this being single or in a relationship. But, as a single man I can be free at a whim to help those around me. If I am in a relationship there could potentially be issues say with a girlfriend feeling uncomfortable. This being said, I know the one who I hurt and I don't know if she even looks at these, I know its due to a lack of explanations. If I could go back in time I would have changed what I said, or rather I may have given a better explanation, but whats done is done, sadly. I can only hope that maybe I can correct it someday and prove myself trustworthy.

Maybe I am over thinking this whole thing. idk.

It has been awhile

To the readers,

I know its been awhile since I have posted, I know I said that I would be posting something weekly and I am sorry I have been kept away by my studies. Things have been tough. Today the weather is nice, to me at least. I am being kept greatly busy with school and work. So as I talk about this, there is a show on the television called Everybody's Fine. It is sad that this man wasn't so involved in his children lives. Which this makes me think, in most of the shows (typically the older shows) I have seen the family dynamic is not the stereotypical family. But, it is a family a loving caring family, even though each one has problems most show great family environments. Granted there are those that show the opposite, they are far and few and its never right for anyone to be raised in a hostile environment. Sometimes I wonder how great it would be to record your childhood, every instance not only for your own records, but to share it with those you want. Instead of random memory sharing (vocally). I have seen some of my good friends and there families and its great to see how much love is in their lives, its great to know how amazing some parents are.

A turn to left field:

I bet you were expecting something about veterans, I know yesterday was Veteran's day and I want to say how grateful I am of the men and woman that have served our country. I talk about things I would do in hard situations, but these men and woman have done more than what I could honestly say I could do. If you see a vet of any war, on any day do a little to go out of your way to say thanks, whether it be just opening the door, or shaking their hand and saying thank you. 

Turning back:

I am nearing the end of the movie now and working on a prelab...as this movie nears an end it makes realize how much is wrong in some families. Love and caring should always be there, a parent should never force their kids to pick a field or try to live through their kids. Kids should be allowed to have a childhood. The movie ends on a good note, but at the same time, I think the line should have been everyone will be fine. 

If you are truly reading these please let me know your thoughts I am curious to know what you think and I am also curious if you have any questions for me. Since I missed a post I will try to pick something and post it a bit later tonight or tomorrow. 

The Care Of Others

The wall of brink

The edge of why

Is just beyond a strike of a hammer,

But with the power of all past stream

The mind wonders whom,

When would be safe.

Safe to them

Safe to every,

Safe to the few, the trusted ones

Safe to friends,

Safe to memories created, or of old,

Safe to family.

The dice roll not caring about my own book

Not caring what turn it will head

Just the Safety of all those around.

Stabbing me, not her, not them

Is what ethics, morals say to live for

The mind cares not for its next roll

But their next roll. 

an untitled work 1

i have seen the sun for the first time

without a thought of the walls, for i knew i had people around that saw me, for me

though it wont always be easy

for the mind goes through changes daily

changes i hope to keep, some i fear,

but some misunderstood

i saw someone i thought cared, no i was wrong again

the rest barred one within, one unseen

i see the glass eye, the one never sought i reach for it, i bump it

then comes the end, a tear shed

the eye saved

the eye he forgot

a way of life with the sun and grass, never understood before

for know he does, but now pulled

a feeling riping inside one thought to help

one pulling the war over the center

from the right to the left

still i don’t know the outcome,

still i hold my money

watching all the scars, shared

for i don’t want to be the voided one anymore.

a part of me i don’t know

a part of me none knew

one i thought dead, one i thought i stabbed for the last time,

one you thought was never created

alone i sit waiting, for the message to come in,

but i know it wont

for i know now that the sight was wrong.

the bigger question is apparent, am i a doing the right thing……………….???

update on posting

I figured to help keep things rolling on I am going to set up some auto posting for awhile, it will be of some poetry style stuff I wrote about 10 years ago. Back then I had little of a way out from the hard times I have experienced. Back then, I went through a lot of hard times, which made me grow up fast, I honestly think I have not matured since I was in 5th grade. I have learned to be as self sufficient as possible. Sadly I have learned not to trust easy and to section off what I tell people. Though throughout it all no matter how old I was I did what I could to protect those I cared about. These eyes have seen lots of unjust actions around him, and these hands have done their best to correct them.

So starting now, probably once a week, maybe more often as time allows, I will post a poem I wrote from my past. Whether its one about my past I shall not say, or one about observations on the world or human condition. But, I figure why should I let these password locked documents just sit collecting dust, why not see if anyone enjoys them. Later tonight, or tomorrow sometime this shall being.

If you enjoy please let me know.

Doing your best

There are some things in life that are very hard to do. Some that you feel like your someone clawing at the ledges on a wall of rock, trying to climb up to freedom. We all have these examples in our lives, some sadly have more than others. No matter what your past is, it has shaped you into who you are. Hopefully, it is the best you that you can be.

There are two things in my life I try to keep as a constant: honesty, and helpfulness. If I am nothing else, I want to be a man of my word, a man that can be relied upon when things get rough and someone that others can go to when they need assistance. I know what it is like to go through hard times, and no one should go through any hard times alone. I wish no one else went through hard times, but alas that is something I cannot control. I wish I could though. It would be worth it to remove others pain in the world. It wouldn't matter to me if I was the only one to go through a rough time, if that be the case it would be worth it.

If I can protect those I care about from pain, and be one of my word, I will maintain a good life. At least my opinion of a good life. Which we are all entitled to our own thoughts on what makes a good life, as long as we live within what the ethical standards that society has set.

Because of this, I try to think before I act. Sometimes my brain takes turns to far down the dark corners of my mind, but it is for protection. If I am prepared for the worst, than what can surprise me? Granted, there are those things that come out of left field that leave me scratching my head wondering what happened, but with each one I learn and prepare better for the future.

One thing I always tend to do in one way or another, I tend to sabotage my chances of forming a bond/relationship with people at times due to this. It is something I need to work on, some confidence I need to grow, I just need to plant the seed for the slow growing bean stalk...hopefully it doesn't grow to high. Hopefully the root system, damages the foundation to some of the walls built over time. But, when I do wrong, I admit it, I know I am not the best at sharing at times, but when I have made a mistake, I am willing to admit it, around those that where there when I made the mistake.

Things for others

This summer, when life was rough at my house, I treated my mother to something she had always wanted to see, the Bob Hope exhibit in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Things were as usual, tight at my folks house, things were not the greatest and I was able to bring tears of joy to her face by helping her see and read about a man that she listened to and enjoyed from a very young age.

There are two things in life I always want to do: be a man of my word, and bring happiness to others.

Its always great to feel the happiness you can bring to someone else, when they have experienced so much pain. Seeing those tears of joy were enough to make this random trip worth it. Which is why the decisions I had to make after that, just that much worse...well that is something for another time, another place.

Weight

Earlier on this semester I decided to make several changes. Some of which my friends don't know the exact reasons why. Below I will list the changes I have been making and explain them.

1. Less Caffeine 
1. This was done, just so I can say I can. I hate the feeling that I could ever be addicted to anything. Its a personal issues I have where I will do everything I can to never be addicted to something. I was addicted to caffeine and my roommate would agree that he saw me go through just about every aspect of life with some caffeine on me or in me.
2. Lose weight
1. Yes, losing weight is a good idea. Yes, it is helpful for you to when it comes to taking better care of your joints, health in general, heart disease, diabetes, several forms of cancer and several other disease, but these are not my reasons why. I started working on my weight because I have been single for nearly 23 years now. I have never been on a date, those that know me well enough can tell how it effects me when I hang out with couples too much. Granted knowing how to flirt or attract a woman are "skills" (I dislike calling them skills) that I do not know. But, I feel one major factor in why I am constantly friend zoned is my weight, so naturally I will work at changing some of the easier aspects of myself. Neither my best friend, nor my family know the real reasons why I am working on my weight and I know my best friend wouldn't be the happiest. 

I have realized that by doing both of these I tend to not only, on average, being happier, but I am sleeping better and I can do more things without being out of breath. 

Changes in the World

Granted, I am just an American 23 year old who is in college, but I try to look at a problem from every side of said problem. When I was young my mother started this aspect of my life, whenever she would say no to something, she would explain why. Allowing me to see another side of the situation. This aspect has been helpful in a lot of other aspects of life. This ability is probably why a lot of people I know feel safe and comfortable to talk with me about their problems. Well, this ability and the fact that I actually listen (another ability that I think people can sometimes forget to do).  Sometimes when I cannot wrap my head around a problem, I will go for a walk and just let the brain flow, and let me feet decide which path I take. This lets my brain focus on different aspects of the world and tries to come up with common sense solutions.

I am not telling you all this to say I am superior to any of you, no I see myself as just a weak, fat human that is trying to lose weight and trying to not only better themselves to, but to try and help the world. These are skills I have learned that I have found helpful in most aspects of my life, hopefully you find them helpful too. I have always thought its better to live a life where you always try to be helpful, were are all only on this planet for a short length of time, might as well make it a bit easier for everyone you can while you are all here.

Weight loss

I am not a skinny person and there are some things I feel those that are skinny should know. First off most overweight people I know, including myself will not go workout at a gym because they feel uncomfortable. This feeling of uncomfortable is due to the feeling of people starring at you, or people commenting on you working out. Also if you see someone overweight and your certain they are losing weight then and only then is it a good idea to comment on them losing weight. Otherwise you are likely to make them feel uncomfortable.

I, have been working on my weight though I am not using a scale as a reference to my weight. I am using the way my clothes fit. I started by changing my diet slowly with healthier food, more sleep, and portion control with a little bit of working out. I have dropped a few belt sizes and a shirt size. Enough to make me in a great mood. I think that everyone that attempts to lose weight needs things to focus on, goals that they want. To be healthier is  always a great goal, but it should not be your only one when losing weight. And, saying you want to look like a famous person I don't think should be a goal either. I am not speaking out of thoughts I do not contain here I have many goals when it comes to my weight and many other aspects of my weight. Some could seem funny and some could seem very weird. But, this is not the post to mention these.

I hope all of you that see this find it interesting, but as long as you feel good with yourself where you are at, then you do not need to lose any weight. And, to both men and woman please do not use any form of media or famous person to judge how you look. I can bet you all look amazing the way you are. I do believe and will hold to this statement: it does not matter what other people think, it does not matter what other people say about you, but what you do and how you feel about yourself is what matters most.

Contracts and Friendships

I have an interesting view on Contracts with people, verbal or written.
I believe that when I have said I will do something it is not only the act of saying I will do something, but a contract with this person an arrangement that I have stated I will do something for them whether or not anything in return is stated. Not only do I feel this is how I should always be for my friends, but I keep this as part of my personal rules that I live to follow throughout my life. Granted there have been times that you tell "white lies", which there are times where lies are better then the truth, but these should be few and far apart.

I do what I can to always be there for those around me that I care about whether it be friends, family, pets, or those people that you meet at random that are always nice. These are the people I care to stick my neck out for (its a short neck, but I will stretch it the best I can) and will ask for nothing in return. Yes, friendship implies that there is the potential for some form of compensation, but I do not look for that. I know my past and the dark hard road it was. A road I never want to see anyone have to take. I am not stating this for petty or anything, its just some background info for what is come (if I keep blogging).

I feel that everyone should look for happiness and away to survive in this world, and when I say survive I do not mean live day by day as if there is no tomorrow, but live to better yourself and the world around you. Live to find happiness and hopefully the one you can share the rest of your life with. Along this avenue of life you will probably run into those that will try and mislead you, tempt you with things you feel will make you happy, but these are those that seek their own happiness and will (sadly) these are the people that will use you, drop you, or even worse: hurt you. I know saying watch out for these people and avoid them is very typical to hear, but I have to agree with it. I, find myself that when I deal with people like this and have been mistreated, I start to make a tally of characteristics of people that have mistreated me and then I do what I can to avoid them or to do what I can to limit my time with them to lessen the chance of use,abuse, or sadness in my life.

No matter who you are, this blogger offers an E-Hug for those that read these blogs, and feel that they have been mistreated before in their lives.

Thoughts on Love and Long Term Relationships

I have lots of random thoughts on random topics. First of all I notice that most woman date men smaller than them. Which I think is odd, I would rather have someone who is eye level it would make two more equal.

Additionally I think love is something most don't know what they are seeking or are obviously looking for the wrong thing. I have been single for almost 23 years and have learned enough by watching couples to see certain elements that would work...I think. 

I want someone intelligent, someone that I can have an honest conversation with someone who is an equal, and intelligent. I also think it matters for more of an emotional relationship then a physical relationship. I think a relationship can survive a long term area of 2-6 years if both people are willing to work at it. I think its even easier with the technology we have today. But, it doesn't work in most cases and I think that when it doesn't then you know whether that relationship is worth having. 

Yes, love can be considered a drug, but those that keep their senses are those that know more of what they are searching for. However, here is one thing I cannot puzzle out, is how much knowledge of a person is best before asking someone out, and how much is friend zone region of knowledge. Its an interesting thing to think about, but the answer is fairly unclear to me. But, I still think its best to be honest with someone when you like them. However, terrifying it can be it is best to be honest. With this said I have noticed lots of people do not like long distance relationship, these people may appear to move to certain physical aspects of a relationship a little fast. These people have their reasons and I respect them for them, but there are more people out there than there are not, which I think is a big reason why long distance relationships are hard to work.