Confidence

For years I have people tell me a lot of things about myself somethings positive and somethings negitive, and somethings true and somethings false. The other day I was enjoying lunch with the Admin of my college's linux network (who I will refer to as Mr. Nice later on). Now, I normally am a very private person about my past and through some snipets of my past he has over heard me stating and through things I have told him he knows I have been through some hard dark times, but not what specifically, just that it has made me very finiancially aware, and lacking confidence.

Yesterday Mr. Nice bought us lunch and we talked, sadly I had meat so today I will be going meatless to try and "make up" for having chinese food yesterday. While we were talking Mr. Nice told me a bit about his past and I a bit about what is going on in my life, after I told him of the happy things coming and how I know I have a name to make with company X that I am interning at, and I do not want to disappiont them. Mr. Nice told me that it is ovbious to him that I am a solid developer, and the things that will hold me back in life are my confidence and my trust issues. And I won't even try to deny it, I have issues when it comes to trusting people and I have issues with confidence.

Just about everytime I walk into a mall or I get out of a vehicle I look around and do about a 360 analzying all that is going on around me. Once I enter malls I tend to avoid crowds, and keep my head on a swivil watching all round me, and if I am with people I tend to walk a bit slower, just slow enough to walk behind and see those around. I used to assume this was because of the town I used to live in, a town where they limited the size of groups in the mall and bad things happend around and outside the malls. And I told some of this to Mr. Nice, which he told me he was the same way for years, but not any more. He then told me it is more of an issue of confidence, and his wife gets after him sometimes for how he plans, no that is a poor word to use, he prepares no that is still bad, he is concious that you cannot trust everyone and is aware of it, so Mr. Nice's wife Mrs. Nice told him that on some level he prepares to deal with people he cannot trust and that her husband feels that everyone will betray that trust on some level. That is a scary thing to hear, I think especially from a wife, but at the same time, I know what Mr. Nice is saying, on some level I feel that same way, but we both agree, Mr. Nice trusts his wife and his family completely, just as I trust the wonderful woman in my life.

I am working on my trust issues and boy has it been a long hard ride to get to where I am, and honestly without my major I would still have a lot more trust issues than I do have to this day. However, for me confidence will always be a long hard fight to obtain, I know that teo's words mean nothing to me, but that little voice you can never fully stomp out wishpers maybe he was right...I hope he never is.

I know it is time for me to stop listening to that voice, and I think it is time for me to think long and hard on a lot of things, and to remember all the good impacts I have made on the lives of those I care about. The lives I have saved, the tough decisions I ahve been there for my friends through, illnesses I have helped people through, the tears I have offered hugs through, the long nights chatting, the little things I would do randomly for those I care about, and the dishes of comfort food I have made for those great people in my life. Anytime I start feeling down about myself, those are the thoughts I need to think back on, those and the words this wonderful woman in life has said to me.

On another note: highly random, I know, but that is the way of my brain. I would like to state I might start trying to do a post once a week, especially with this summer, I am not sure when I might have time to write on here for the world, since I should be working over 40hrs a week and taking a couse this summer to. As this summer ends I will be once step closer to the finish line of my bacholor's degree and one step closer to taking the plung into the field, working and paying back the loans I have. I hope everyone that reads this has a great day today, and I hope you have a great Happy Easter tomorrow and great Happy Easters for years to come.